A Tale of Two Birthday Cards

The Twins will be 9 on Monday. 9 years old already, I cant believe it.

While I was out today, I stopped by Target to get a few things. I realized then that I had to get the presents today, or else Im screwed. We have a busy weekend ahead of us. I was all ready to check out, with my cart full of presents, power ade and other random useless crap you always pick up at Target, when I realized I had forgotten to get the twins their birthday cards. I will be honest, and admit that I forgot their birthday was coming up until they reminded me early this week. How could I forget? Easily enough, weve been so wrapped up with everything else that I plum forgot until they reminded me.

I ran over to the card section, and picked out two plain Jane cards for 9 year olds. I put them back though, because I felt they werent personal enough. In the aisle with me was a woman who was the card vendor, and I asked her where the cards were from "Mommy and Daddy", she pointed me in the right direction, and I just couldnt buy a card from "Mommy and Daddy". It was too hard. I picked up a card for each of them, that was "for my son/daughter love mom".

And wouldnt you know, I started sobbing in the card aisle. Right in the middle of target, I was crying because of birthday cards. I was crying because of Barry dying. I was crying because I was thinking I couldnt sign the cards "Love Mommy and Daddy" anymore. I still will though, I will ALWAYS sign the cards that way, no matter what type of card it is.

I think that Monday will be a hard day, it will be the very first birthday we are celebrating without Barry. He died the day of Es 7th birthday party, but he was still alive on her birthday. He even wrote in her birthday card, "Happy Birthday Sweetheart, Love Daddy". I insisted he do that the day he was extubated, because we knew he would not be present at her birthday party. Barry wasnt always present at the kids birthdays, he missed occasional birthdays and parties because of his work schedule. We tried to avoid it as much as possible, but sometimes it was inevitable.

I am sad that we actually have to celebrate this first birthday without him. Its not like hes working, hes actually DEAD. Why? I am overwhelmed to be completely honest. I dont know how I will handle the party. I might have to ask a couple of the moms to stay and help, because I have never done a big party like this without him. Last year we did a combined birthday for the twins at a local bowling alley, but he was there to help.

This year I decided that all the kids would have awesome birthday parties. I booked the twins at a local gymnastics gym, and well have close to 20 kids there I think? If all the kids invited come, then we will have 22 with all of mine! On Monday I am going to take all the kids out to a local pizza buffet we like for dinner, they are stoked and cant wait to go.

Hopefully Monday will be OK for us. I hope we dont cry too much, or that I dont cry too much, remembering with love, the family member that is now missing from our lives on that most important day.

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I just found this on Massive Health.  So much good info in so little space!

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Overwhelmed Doesnt Even Begin to Explain

Whew! I have so much going on in my life right now that I feel like my head is spinning in a million different directions, ala Regan from The Exorcist.

On a side note, I have to share a story about The Exorcist that has haunted me to this day, even 10 years later! When Barry and I were first married and living in the barracks, he had me watch The Exorcist with him. Well, let me say...TRIED to get me to watch it with him. I think I lasted to the part where Regan levitates in the corner, and then I was adamant that he turn it off. I couldnt watch it anymore. A couple months later when we were in our first apartment, he somehow managed to convince me to watch it with him again. Why Oh Why did I do that? I think I laid on the couch, my head in his lap, and my face covering my face and hands most of the movie. I was HORRIFIED. The movie has haunted me to this day, and Barry milked it for all he could. Hed constantly tease me with Regan voices..."GIVE US TIME" lol Hed find scary videos on you tube and lure me into watching them. All the time, for 10 years. If he were still alive, hed be doing it now still. It makes me laugh, because he got such pleasure out of scaring me. Id always smack his arm and yell at him. His ring tone on his cell phone was Regans voice even. The "coups DE grace"...is that the right way to say it? Well, that was when I found this video on YouTube. I wont post the link because I dont know it, but it was just a clip of a rocking chair in a dark room. It was meant to be scary, or suspenseful, and then all the sudden Regans face JUMPS out at you. I screamed so loud and then laughed at myself when I saw it. I figured Id email it to Barry, and see if it would scare him. Well guess what? He screamed like a little girl! HAHAHAHA I was absolutely thrilled that I was able to get him back. Even if it was just once, I still got him, and I never let him forget it :)

Back to my original point though, there is so much going on right now that I feel like my head is spinning in a million different directions.

When we bought our house back in 05, there was a lot to do, but I think I conveniently forgot how awful it really was. Times that by 10 and youve got my situation right now! Everything is going well, but Im about to put Mike, my realtor on speed dial. We see each other SO much right now, and were always calling each other about one thing or another. I think between the time I put the offer in on the 11th, and today, there were maybe 3 days that I didnt see him. And Ill be talking to him tomorrow as well, and then wednesday afternoon, were meeting with the Blinds guy at the new house. Closing date is March 15th! Well be moving around the first week of April I think...Im shooting for Easter weekend.

I still have to shop for funiture, but I am hoping that goes as painlessly as possibly. Wednesday morning I am meeting with my insurance agent to do my homeowners insurance. I still have packing and decluttering to do. Just today I took a whole van load to Goodwill! There will be plenty more.

Want to see a list of what I have to do yet?

• Homeowners Insurance
• Pick out all the window coverings with the Blind guy
• figure out why my kids ask stupid questions like "Are we having Peas with dinner", when clearly there is a bowl of peas on the table.
• Call someone to come pick up all the old furniture so I can donate it
• Shop for new furniture (LOTS of it too!)
• Buy new mattresses
• Find more boxes
• Give my landlord notice that I am moving (I have held off on this due to waiting for the appraisal from my mortgage company). I will keep this place till the end of April so I can come and clean after we move, and make sure the rest of my furniture gets removed/donated.
• Find movers
• Move and unpack and get my house ready for housewarming party May 8th
• Clean this place out from top to bottom
• Housewarming party in May (this isnt a worry yet, but its going to happen soon enough)

I know there is a lot more to do with the house, but that is just a bit of what I have to do. On top of that, my life is busy with other stuff too. I go to the gym at minimum 3 days a week, and I also had my grief support group on Wednesdays. That group is over, but we meet again on Wed the 3d for a reunion breakfast. And then I have stuff with the kids too, like character day on friday. And lots of homework too. And A has play dates. Oh wait...her birthday is in two weeks and I forgot to plan that too. sigh. Barrys birthday is the day before hers, and I am thinking were going to have her party that day to help us get through it better. Well be going out for dinner to his favorite restaurant that day too, I decided it would be a new tradition for us :) Oh, lets also not forget that Monday the 1st of March, Im getting my wisdom teeth taken out. Le Sigh.

I am very much so looking forward to the time AFTER I move, because that way at least things will calm down somewhat for us...I am hoping. Then after that I get to unpack and get ready for my housewarming party. Im looking forward to that :)

I try to keep busy, but sometimes I think I over schedule myself, and then I get overwhelmed with life. Thats how I feel right now. I dont quite know how to get a handle on it all, and deal with grief at the same time. In April Ill also be adding in grief support for the kids as well as trying to find a counselor for myself. That HAS to wait till after we move though because there is no way I can handle it all right now. I think keeping busy though, helps to combat the sadness and overwhelming despair that I feel at times.

I decided that the kids and I would do something fun once a month, if not more. Yesterday we went to the Zoo in Tacoma. We have a membership for that. On As birthday in March, I think well hit up North West Trek, which is a wild life reserve about an hour away from us. April I have no plans yet, and May I think well be taking a scenic Steam Engine tour around Mt Rainier. June were going to do a weekend trip to the coast or maybe go visit the Tillamook factory in Oregeon, and in July we go to Canada, and August well be going to Birch Bay. Anyway, that is just what I have projected, but it gives us something to look forward to at least, right? Sometimes we just go to see a movie too, the kids love to do that.

I know this isnt the grieving post that everyone comes to read, but sometimes I need to get out my non-sad thoughts too. I think I need to write a list though!

Look for a post soon regarding how "I can do it MYSELF"

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