One More Step

Awhile ago, I wrote about what to do with some of the items I had left from Barry and our life together.  Among the items, I had roses from his funeral, roses he gave me, our bed and our Christmas tree.

Today I got rid of the last item, and let me tell you, it felt freeing.

In January, James and I got rid of the bed and the Christmas tree during one of our multiple trips to goodwill.  I did keep the middle finial piece (or however you spell that) from the headboard.  And today I threw the roses away in the trash.  But not before I took some pictures of them as a reminder.

This first bouquet is actually two bouquets of roses that Barry gave me, 

but I dont know how long Ive actually had them.  I just couldnt get rid of them 

till now

This last bouquet is roses from the funeral.  My good friend Lisa did the flowers

for me, and I actually had tulips in the arrangement too.  Roses and Tulips because

those were the only flowers he ever bought me. 

I really didnt feel the need to keep the flowers anymore.  They were just sitting in my closet on the top shelf gathering dust.  But you know, I am glad they are gone right now.  I feel a sense of peace about it, like Ive taken one more step towards healing.  I dont know that I will ever heal, but I would think it is pretty rare to heal from the death of a spouse anyway.  Regardless, I am glad I did it, and that it was when I felt ready to do so.

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So No More Grief Support

I suppose I realized long ago that we were ready to be done with it, but it wasnt until yesterday that I really felt OK with stopping.

Our last session was actually at the end of January, and I told our group that we would be missing the February 14th session due to it being Valentines day, and I wanted to spend it with James.  The time after that I had to skip because gas prices were rising, and I couldnt afford it that week.  It is a 45 minute drive for us one way, so that uses up a lot of gas.  The last session we missed was earlier this month, and we were all set to go, but then my son M woke up with a 102 fever that day, so no more grief support.

Yesterday was another session (they run every other week, twice a month), but I was dreading the drive.  I really dont like driving that far on a school night because we dont get home till 9PM, and then the kids still have to shower.  I asked the three older kids why they liked going, and their first answers were because they "like playing in the gym".  That pretty much answered my question on whether or not we should continue.

When I told them that we would be no longer attending after last night, they werent too terribly upset. My plan was to go so we could say our goodbyes and have one last session.  But then we landed up not going anyway because Kid #3, E, wasnt done her science fair project on time and it was due today.  So we stayed home.

And were done with it.

And I feel OK.

I actually feel like there is a huge weight off my shoulders because I dont feel obligated to go anymore.  We have been in Grief Support continuously since Barry passed away, so we have gone a LONG time.  Its OK to be relieved to be closing that chapter right? We really do feel OK right now, and we are doing really well.  In two weeks it will be 18 months ago that Barry passed away, and while I feel we really dont need that constant support anymore, I know that there will still be moments of sadness, anger and crying.  And that is OK, I know that.  And I am prepared for the fact that the kids and I may need additional counseling later on in life, but for now we dont need it anymore

Were moving on.

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