Sixteen Months Later

Sixteen Months Later....

And I still have moments of panic where I feel like my stomach is going to rise up into my throat
I still cry from time to time
I still miss him
I still grieve
I still have to pinch myself and remind myself that this life is real
I still curl up with his t-shirt once in awhile
I still like to read his letters to me and feel him speaking to me

I find myself living with a new man and realizing how wonderful he is and that Barry had to have sent him our way.  Hes too great for me to have found on my own.  He and Barry even have a lot of similarities.  I dont feel like getting into them, but Ive noticed several.  I have even called James Barry a few times, and have to catch myself before I say all of his name.  The kids have called James "daddy" and "dad" a few times.  Weve been very open about this and have told them that they can if they want, but dont have to.  It comes and goes with them, really.  It is hard for me to hear them call him that sometimes though, as it is another reminder of whom we lost.

Ive also noticed that I dont feel Barry around as much anymore.  I used to be able to feel that he was around, by orbs in pictures, or just sensing something around me, or the kids even noticing it.  But I think he is here less and less because James is here.  Am I crazy? I really think that he sent James my way because he wanted me to be happy.  I could be totally off my rocker for thinking that, and whether I am right or wrong, I dont care, and Ill just think that James is here because of Barry.  But I still miss Barry, and wish he was around more.

I have thought a few times of his final moments.  What were his final thoughts? Was he scared? Did he think of me? The kids? I wish I could know, but that will be a mystery to me forever.  At least I can be confident and comforted knowing that he died loving me, and knowing he was loved so very very much by me and his children.


One last thing...i know all my images are gone.  Shabby blogs deleted the design I had, and I have yet to fix it.  Ill get on that soon...be patient with me!!

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Stuff I Wish I Could Share

I always loved sharing funny things that the kids did with Barry.  It always gave us a laugh to see what crazy crap they would come up with.

Our oldest daughter V, who will be 10 on the 8th of February, has really been spouting some winners lately.  This past week she had spelling homework to do, and decided to be lazy and make up all of her definitions.  This is what she did:

Obviously we ALL had a laugh, and I even posted it on facebook because it was so funny.

And then today, James and I were in As room putting some stuff up on her walls and it was Vs job to vacuum her shared room with her sister E.  V says "James, James, the vacuum is broken.  It wont turn on, we need a new vacuum.  I keep pressing the button but it wont turn on!!".  He went in and checked on her and had to pull me into my bedroom barely able to contain his laughter as he told me what she was doing.

She hadnt plugged it in.

Thats V for you though, she is SUCH a blonde! Barry and I would always laugh about the stupid stuff she would do.  I wish I could share this stuff with him though, because I can see him in my head reacting the way he always did. Laughing and sighing at the same time.  He would have gotten a kick out of it.

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