More Questions

I realized yesterday after I had written this post that I forgot many of the other questions I have been thinking of.

Perhaps I will never have them answered, but death is a hard thing to find answers for anyway. There is no rhyme or reason to it, its just death. It happens. Just like that saying "Shit Happens", so does death. Its hard for us to even fathom how life just goes on after that one person dies, but it does, it happens, everyone moves on.

To quote my husband:

"I think people fear death because its an inconceivable state of existence. Dying is something we all must do, but nobody can sit around and really explain what its like. Before the day of your birth, you cant possibly know, from a first-hand account, what life on this planet was like. Sure, you can read about it and even watch movies and listen to music made before your birth, but you have no real recollection of what it was like to exist back then. Death will probably end up the same way. The problem is that we cant seem to reconcile with that idea. We just cant wrap our heads around the fact that, after we die, things will continue on without us."

One of the hardest questions I have been thinking about is did he know he was dying? There is one moment I can recall in the hospital room that will forever haunt me, but I just cant share that right now. Im not ready to relive it. Perhaps in time, but I dont think I have told anyone that. Ive kept it tucked away in a little corner in my mind, not even thinking about it myself except in times like this.

I wonder, what was he thinking? Did he know what was happening? What were his last thoughts? Was he scared? I like to think his last thoughts were of me and the kids, but Ill never know unless I see him on the other side. I wish I could comfort him and give him a big hug and tell him its ok to be scared, if he was. Tell him that I will always love him even when he is gone. That Ill always think about him. But then, I did that in the hospital. I did talk to him after he passed, and I did tell him all that and more.

And then I also think to myself, is he aware that he is dead? Is his consciousness still aware or is he just gone? I think maybe he is aware, but thats going into the ghost and orb stuff that I have mentioned before and dont care to get into it right now.

Another question I have is Why did he leave me? I dont want to be angry at him, but I get so frustrated and overwhelmed with what I have been left with. I have seriously never dealt with so much paperwork in my life. Piles of it, and more coming. And then there is the stuff around the house that I havent a clue on how to do...my brother in law had to teach me how to thread the weed eater! I dont know how to fix anything (thank you to Amazon for the books I have on the way for that) either. But perhaps the biggest stress for me is the responsibility. Now I myself am the sole provider and caregiver for our four children and 3 pets. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and it is very heavy. I have to provide financially for the kids and myself. Ill have to buy a house by myself, maintain that house. I have to maintain our vehicle too. I havent the foggiest on how to hook up our entertainment center, so when I do move one day, whos going to do that for me? (I told my sister last night that I would just toss everything, and start from scratch and have the Best Buy guys come do it for me! haha).

Im the one whos going to have to teach the boy all the stuff his daddy wanted to teach him. Im going to have to screen potential boyfriends, lol, for the girls. Im going to have to say to them at all the important milestones in their lives "Your daddy would have been so proud of you", especially when they get married. Im the one whos going to have to say to our grandchildren how awesome and cool he was, and how much he would have loved them. And Im the one whos going to grow old without the love of my life.

Not to throw a hiss fit temper tantrum, but I just dont want to! I dont want to do all this on my own. I want to stomp my foot and yell at him and say "WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME! WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME SO UNPREPARED? WHY COULDNT YOU TEACH ME ANYTHING MORE? WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME WHEN YOU LOVE ME SO MUCH?"

So Im not sure if I am angry, I dont feel angry, just frustrated and overwhelmed. I dont want to be mommy and daddy, I want to be mommy and wife and his lover.

I just want him back.

Read More..

Questions

What I have really been pondering since Barry died is WHY and HOW.

I look at his pictures, and I cant fathom why and how. Why did he die? How did one person that loved life so much just die that quickly?

How does that happen? I just cant believe that he is gone. I know he is, but I cant believe it. Even looking at his pictures, he just has such a strong force about him that it doesnt make sense. One minute he was here and looking into my eyes, and then he was gone. His life extinguished like a flame just went out. Poof, hes gone.

I dont know that I will ever understand the how and why. I dont think it is even possible for me to really verbalize how I just dont get it. I dont understand!

He was such a wonderful man. He sacrificed everything for us. He loved us, provided for us, he was my life! So why did he get taken away when he was loved so much? I cant help but feel the tears roll down my cheeks as I write this. It figures, the ONE day I dont wear waterproof mascara, and I cry.

Is it ever going to be possible to know why and how? You never think something so tragic can happen to your family, but then it does and youre left dumbfounded. I wouldnt say I am in shock anymore, I know he isnt here anymore.

This morning my cell phone rang at 7:30 AM. I seriously ran to the phone, due to my typical response when he would call. But it was his ER doctor. Not Barry. At least I dont jump for text messages anymore in the morning. I havent really felt his presence lately, not for quite awhile. But I know hes still here because I now have interference on my phone that I never had before he died. Yeah, I know youre all laughing at me. Go ahead, laugh. I know what I know. The funny thing is, I was talking to someone last week on my old cordless, and it was really really fuzzy, and I could barely hear her. When she came over, she brought me a brand new cordless from Office Depot, as a gift. Well, guess what? There is fuzziness, really bad interference, on this phone too.

I talk to him often. I say I love him mostly, but I still talk. It helps sometimes just to say it.

On that note, Im off for now. Today I get to go to the hospital and drop off paperwork and pick up paperwork. I get to fax copies of the death certificate to 3 different places. And I was on the phone all morning again. I must have gotten like 5 phone calls and made the same myself.

Read More..

So I Couldnt Wait

I guess I got a long enough blogging break, because I have desperately felt the need to blog today. I kept putting it off though, guess I cant anymore.

Lets start off with some happy news. I bought myself a present this past week. Something Ive been lusting after for quite some time, but never bought because Barry always said my other one was good enough. But I have wanted this for a very, very, very long time. So I did it! And I LOVE LOVE LOVE it.

Meet the newest member of my family:

I also got this lens for it:


I thought that with all that has been going on the last month, I deserved a treat. And did I ever treat myself! This baby takes such awesome photos!!! I love love love it! Once things settle down for us a bit, I hope to have some photos up on here that I can share to show the cameras awesomeness.

In other news, Ive been avoiding grief again. Grief didnt like this, so he came over, breaking down my door in the process.

Friday night was the worst I had been feeling in a long time. Imagine whole body wrenching, shuddering sobs of grief. The saddest you could ever be, and multiply it by 100. I couldnt stop crying for at least a half hour. I was so ANGRY, so very very angry that when I was cleaning up before bed, I was throwing things back into the cupboards. I actually dont think I have cried that hard at all this past month. Yeah, I cried in the hospital, but mostly I was in shock. I screamed and yelled and got angry in the hospital. I cried with my family. But I was in shock for a long time. Getting out that sadness really helped though, I felt better after I cried and spoke to my sister. I think its something I am going to have to do a bit more often.

I still have moments where I feel panicky. Ive had that a lot this weekend, and its probably because of what happened friday night. The grief keeps coming back bit by bit, and then I panic because I am afraid to feel that pain again. I would akin it to an anxiety attack, yet without the tightening of the chest. I get so scared!

Being without Barry is something I can handle. I think. I certainly dont like it, but then, who would? At least I am used to it. That is when the fear sneaks in though, when I think I am OK, but am not really. I KNOW I CAN do this without him, but Im scared to be without him. Its even hard to look at his pictures. It hurts to remember. I havent done any remembering lately at all. Might be time for me to pull out those journals I bought a month ago, and write it all down. One thing I am having trouble with though, is remembering Barrys memories. I know a lot of them, and I want to remember them for the kids. But what do I write down? do I write down the good and the bad? just the good? Do the kids need to remember the bad? I dont want to forget ANYTHING.

Scared, frightened, horrified, worried, distressed, terrified, dismayed, despair, disheartened, . Those are all words I can use to describe how I am feeling.

Read More..

Taking A Break

I havent felt like blogging lately, so for anyone wondering where Ive been, Ive been taking a break.

Im not sure when Ill be back, but please continue to come read and post, etc etc. Honestly, its tiring to write about it all the time. And I dont want to do that right now.

This weekend I am just going to focus on myself and the kids. Were going to go see a movie, go out for dinner, and just have fun as a family.

Ill be back soon!

Read More..