I miss Barry

I was sitting here tonight on my new couch, in my new living room, watching TV on my new TV, when everything kind of hit me again.

Things have settled down somewhat here in our new home. Were basically unpacked, save for a few boxes in my room and one in the living room, and all the pictures need to be hung yet, as well as the garage (which is a complete mess). The house is awesome and I love it, and I am finally starting to realize that its my house.

But something is missing.

Its Barry.

Tonight while I was sitting here, I just started to cry because it all hit me again. I have been so busy the last few weeks with moving and unpacking, and our vacation, that I had no time to think. And now that things have calmed down a bit, my brain starts wandering and thoughts creep into my head that Ive tried so hard to avoid. I cant even think straight right now and feel like my writing is all jumbled.

I was thinking about him and had a hard time again realizing that he was dead. Like maybe, just maybe, he was just working and not at home as per usual. Because you know, husbands and daddies dont die suddenly without warning. They dont leave behind a wife of 10 years and four young children. They just dont die, because that never happens...thats not real life. Husbands dont die, they just dont.

Unfortunately, thats not true. They do die without warning. And their death changes your life forever.

Apart from still needing to accept Barrys death, I still havent fully accepted this new life. I dont like being thrust from one life into a brand new one, being forced to accept everything against my will. Some people have exhibited jealousy towards me, jealous that I have new furniture, a new house, etc etc, but Id give it all back if I could. I really honestly would give it up just to have him back. I want my old life back, I want my old routines, I want my husband, I want my daily phone calls and text messages. I just want my old life back. I look around my house and think to myself, "how is this my life?"

Ive had to go from one life with all these plans, to a new life full of uncertainty. Now instead of Barry and I and the kids, its just Me and the kids. I have to figure out the future for us, without him. It scares me. Eventually I will have to get a job, or go back to school and figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. Honestly, I feel like Ive just graduated high school again, and have to figure out where my life is taking me, except now I have 4 kids, a dog and two cats, and a mortgage and a mini van. What 18 year old has that? wait, Im not 18...Im 29 and have all that.

The kids and I are proof that life can change in a heartbeat. Just over 6 months ago we were a happy family of 6, with plans to move to PA this summer, and a husband that was getting 4.0 gpa and on the Deans list at his University. Then literally, with one heartbeat...that life is gone. Barrys heart beat one last time, it came to a shuddering halt, and then our lives ended. A new life was born, and we have had to accept it as best as we can, and just keep on keepin on. Weve had no choice BUT to move forward. .

This post is a hot mess, and Im sorry if it was hard to read. I felt like I had a million thoughts going through my head tonight as I wrote it.

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A Poem For Barry

This poem was in the guest book I picked out for the funeral. I really do like it, so I wanted to share it with you all. It was read at his funeral, and I also read it to all the people in my Grief Works group when I did my talk about Barry. I had lost the guest book, and just found it over the weekend when I unpacked a box. I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief when I saw that little white cardboard box that it was enclosed in.

When I Must Leave You

When I must leave you

For a little while

Please do not grieve

And shed wild tears

And hug your sorrow to you

Through the years,

But start out bravely

With a gallant smile;

And for my sake

And in my name

Live on and do

All things the same,

Feed not your loneliness

On empty days,

But fill each waking hour

In useful ways,

Reach out your hand

In comfort and in cheer

And I in turn will comfort you

And hold you near;

And never, never

Be afraid to die,

For I am waiting for you in the sky!

Helen Steiner Rice

I found it incredibly amazing that whenever I need him, hes always there. I find little glimpses of him when I am missing him, or even when I least expect it, completely unaware that I need him, and then he just shows up.

When I was the funeral home, I didnt even put two and two together, but re-reading this poem, it is exactly what Barry would say to me. He would tell me to go on, do things and make something of myself, rather than sitting around and be mopey and lonely. He would say "get off your ass Joanna! Go clean my house!", or something along those lines. He doesnt, and wouldnt want me to sit around and dwell on what isnt is anymore. Barry would insist I get on with my life, and be there for the kids and myself, and he would want us to live and be happy.

Barry speaks to me in little ways at the most random times. This also happened when I found two letters he wrote me. The last letter he wrote me was actually written just over two years ago, January 2008, after he gave me my locket. Perhaps I will share that sometime. I dont know why, but I truly believe that he is still here with us, and he speaks to me when he knows I need encouragement. I cant hear his voice, but in the words he wrote with his own hand, or a poem I picked out for him, I can hear him in my head encouraging me, talking to me, telling me how proud he is of me, and how much he loves me.

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