A Life Lost

I was trying to think of what to write today, as I havent been writing too much lately, and today at my Grief Works group, I got the inspiration.

Weve begun the task in our group of taking turns sharing. Each week, 4 of our group share about the person they lost. Today one of the ladies shared about her husband who passed away about a month before Barry. They had been married for 51 years. 51 years.

As she was sharing her story, I couldnt help but start crying. In fact, most of us cried while everyone else was sharing. Next week is my turn, so I need to prepare some stuff and get pictures/mementos ready as well.

Why did I start crying? Because the life that I was supposed to have is lost. A Life, Lost.

I grieve not only for Barry, but for the life that I was supposed to have. I was so lucky to have 11 years of him in my life, to love him for that long, but how I long for forever.

I dont deserve this life that I have now. How is it fair that the life I was supposed to have has been ripped from my clutches and tossed aside? The dreams that we had as a couple, for our family and our future and ourselves, have been LOST. They will never come to fruition. I will never get that 51 year anniversary with the love of my life.

Barry and I had our challenges in our marriage, as every couple does. We had the ups and downs emotionally, financially etc etc, but through it all, we still loved each other. We always stuck by each other, no matter what the difficulty we were faced with. We had the perfect marriage. We complimented each other so well, we were best friends, and we loved each other with our whole being.

Im angry that Ive lost my life. Everything that I planned on, is gone, is lost. What am I supposed to do now? I feel lost myself! I dont know what to do with my self. The only plans I have right now are to buy a home, and to go back to work or school once A is in school full time in 3 years. But what about after that?

How do I pick up the pieces and move forward?

There was no thought in my mind that Barry wouldnt get better. His death was not a possibility in my mind. I figured that we would get through this as best as we could, we would pick up the pieces and manage, and life would move on despite this little hiccup. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that when I brought him to the hospital on the night of October 5th that he would NEVER come home. Well wait, he DID come home. He came home in a wooden box, cradled in my arms, on October 15th. And now he sits on my dresser in my bedroom, watching over me as I sleep every night.

I wonder if I had the chance to prepare for this new life, if it would have made things easier? if Barry had cancer or some other terminal disease, would I have been able to contemplate this new life I would have? I dont know what I would prefer: Him being sick for a very long time and knowing the inevitable, or what I was given with him dying unexpectedly. I dont know, I just dont know. Its almost like the analogy about love. Is it better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all?

There will never be the travelling that we dreamed of together. Well never get to enjoy our grandchildren together. He will miss the major milestones like A starting kindergarten, learning how to ride a bike, read, tie her shoes. Hell miss the 13th birthdays. The 18th Birthdays. Hell miss the kids going off to college, graduating, getting married, them having babies, and us becoming grandparents. Hell miss it all. This life, it is LOST.

I dont know how to pick up the pieces. I dont know how to move forward with this new life when all I have known is OUR life. Now I have MY life.

I am grieving a life, lost.

Read More..

Today

I cant think of a good heading for today, so Today it shall be.

Yesterday I went through Barrys clothes, and decided what to keep and what to get rid of. Id say were keeping a large majority of his stuff, but he didnt have a lot of stuff anyway. Most of the clothes are going to goodwill except a few select things were keeping for memories. Ill be looking for a big tote today so that I can store it all in.

With everything thats been going on, Ive failed to realize that Christmas is right around the corner. Oops! I have hardly any decorations up, but I am done with my shopping. Ok, not done, but I just have to get some stocking stuffers, and a gift for my step dad. Today I plan to get a few things, but Ive also got to focus on the rest of my decluttering, and goodwill donations. Company is coming from out of town...duh duh duh duh....in two weeks, so I really really have to get on the ball with that.

How is everyone else doing with their christmas prep? I havent even started any baking! Thats another thing I need to do, get my Christmas baking list done and do the shopping for that too.

Im feeling just a little overwhelmed.

Read More..

I Lost 100 Pounds With HCG

I know a few of you have been anxiously awaiting this update. Trust me, Ive been anxiously awaiting updating all of you, but the last couple of days have incredibly busy. None of that matters now though, because Im here, and youre here reading.... so its time to share the news.

 This week Ive had phenomenal losses, and I know a big part of my success this week is a result of all the support Ive received from the people who joined in on my two week challenge. So... Thank you.

I am pleased, and so proud, to announce that Ive finally lost 100 pounds! Actually as of this morning I have lost 102.2 pounds. I made it, it took 293 days, but I made it. I can honestly say this has been the hardest thing Ive ever attempted, but its been the most rewarding. I am so happy I made the decision to do the HCG diet. Its given me back my body, my health, and most importantly my confidence.

I know I write a lot about how excited I am to fit into certain clothes, or how great it will be to go to the beach for the first time, and Ive even talked about my desire to get some cosmetic surgery. In many ways I think these goals, while they may seem superficial, are the ones that keep me motivated on a day to day basis. However, as Im wrapping up my fourth round of my HCG journey, I am starting to think long term  Ive realized that incentives like new clothes, trips to the beach or a tummy tuck wont be the things that motivate me to keep the weight off long term  Keeping this weight off will have to be driven by something much deeper. 

That considered, I want to talk about something I never really have before. I want to talk about beauty. No, not the type of beauty we look for in a tube of mascara, but the kind that my mom tried to teach me when I didnt get asked to prom. She always called it inner beauty.

 From what my mom taught me, inner beauty is that independence we feel when we finally free ourselves from someone who has spent so long dragging us down, and despite their efforts we rise triumphant with a smile on our faces. Inner beauty is the ability to look in the mirror and recognize when you deserve more than what youve led yourself to believe. Ive learned that the person pulling me down all these years, convincing me that I deserved to be unhealthy and unhappy, was none other than myself.

I have to find a way to quiet that negative voice inside my head. I have to quiet that voice that tells me Ill be happy if I binge. I have to quiet that voice that tells me Im not good enough for certain things or certain people. I have to find a way to bridal that inner beauty so that no matter what I face in life, I can raise triumphant from the struggle, having maintained a healthy lifestyle that is true to who I am.

As it turns out, the end of my diet has brought me to the beginning of a new challenge. Im the type of person who is quick to offer tips in my blog posts. Im pretty good with how-to guides, but unfortunately this isnt a "how to find yourself" kind of blog. The truth is I dont know, but I know pound by pound Ive I started to uncover that beauty is so much more than what you can wear, where you can go and how good you look doing it. Beauty is happiness, and I know that in order to be truly happy I have to learn to convince myself that I deserve to be healthy. When I can figure that out, I know theres no chance of me returning to old habits. 

Its a challenge, and I am confident its one that anyone losing weight will have to face. But after losing 100 pounds, Id say Im up for the challenge.

Read More..

Valentines Day Mish Mash and A Year of Memories Feb 14th 2000

First off, life has been incredibly busy this past week, so blogging has been put on the back burner for me. And it wont be slowing down anytime soon at all, so my blogging might be sparse, at best, for who knows how long.

I dont really have much to write about for my "A Year of Memories" post today. Barry and I celebrated our first valentines day together as a couple, a married couple too, in 2000. He SPOILED me that day! I can remember most of what I got too, I was quite the lucky girl ;o) We had a DVD player at the time, but no VCR, so Barry actually went to the Power Zone (electronics store on the Army Base) and bought me a VCR and "Muppets from Space" on VHS. hahaha. We only got rid of that movie a few years back and replaced it with the DVD finally. Barry loved that movie, and quite often we would quote our favorite line from it. "The Goat?", "NO! THE REMOTE!!!" lol It makes me smile, because I can hear us doing it in my head.

I was also treated to a bottle of "Angel" perfume by Thierry Mugler, a card, and a large stuffed red Bull from TY...basically a giant beanie baby which I still have to this day. It looks brand new, and I had it on my bed last night as I slept. The perfume is long gone of course, because after I got it, I got pregnant shortly after. The scent was much too strong for me while I was pregnant, and I couldnt stand it for years after that. Recently I just bought myself another bottle as a Valentines Day present from Barry. And I love the scent now, it brings me back to him. In fact, I think it was April of 2000, Barry went on a field exercise and had me send some stuff for him with someone that was back in the rear, and was going up for a visit. I wrote him a letter, and kissed it with lipstick, and also sprayed it with "Angel". To keep the letter safe, I tucked it into a James Beard cookbook that he had also asked for. To this day, the letter still resides in the cookbook, covered in red kisses, and still faintly smelling of Angel, even 10 years later. Ill always keep it like that.

You know whats kind of funny, this past week I feel like Ive been getting messages from Barry. Just random things here and there. Perhaps it is him telling me that everything will be ok, that he is ok. I dont know what they mean, but I do believe its him.

Last night, while I was on my way home from Tacoma, I passed a Giltner truck. Barry drove for Giltner, and I have only seen them twice since he died. It makes me smile, I feel like there is a tie to him then, just even to get a glimpse of a Giltner truck. Today when the kids and I went to Ikea, I passed a VW Scirocco. For those of you who dont know what that is, obviously it is a car, but an older one. It was Barrys car when I got to Germany, and we drove it for a few months till we bought a "new to us" SUV (Suzuki JLX that we ADORED). Anyway, this car picked me up at the airport when I came to Germany, it took us to France, we drove it on our wedding day etc etc. Lots of good memories with that car. It was hideous though, just FUGLY! haha. We called it "The Rat". I havent seen one in years, and today, I just had to smile again seeing it as I drove past it. I was laughing and remembering as I pointed it out to the kids as it passed us.

And then the last one today was in the restaurant with the kids. We were given a Red Robin gift card when Barry was in the hospital, and we finally put it to use today. We enjoyed a really good meal, and as we left, I took A to the bathroom as we had a long drive home. I passed by a woman that had the name "BARRY" written on the back of her sweatshirt. Perhaps it didnt mean anything at all, but I keep getting reminders of him. That is three in less than 24 hours! I like to think of them all as friendly reminders of Barry.

I have some more exciting news to share, but that will have to be left for later! Look for a new post in a day or two!!

Read More..

The Day I lost My Identity

I feel incomplete.

October 10Th, 2009, was the day I lost my identity. I was talking to someone last Friday night about how I havent felt like myself ever since Barry died.

I feel like I am missing my other half, which I am, like part of me has been cut off. I want the old me back! The new Joanna is very different from the Joanna that was 7 weeks ago. Barry completed me, he made me whole, and now hes gone. Has anyone has read The Golden Compass by Bill Pullman ("His Dark Materials" series) ? Do you remember how the children felt when they were cut off from their Daemons? That is how I feel without Barry.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have wanted to be a wife and a mother. I did dream about becoming a nurse, a doctor, a veterinarian, a lawyer etc etc, but Ive always felt my true calling was to be a Wife and a Mother. I accomplished those both, but now that one has been taken away from me, I dont know what to do with myself.

So now that Im just a mom, how do I feel complete again? How do I move on from this feeling that I am floundering, just barely treading water, and feel like myself again?

I started up my hair clip business ("The Mane Attraction" on facebook), which takes up a lot of my time, and gives me a creative outlet. I blog here, and write about anything and everything. I go out with my friends, I go shopping, I pay bills, I clean, I fold laundry, I kiss owies, I give hugs and Kisses, I run errands, I do everything that a mom does.

But I miss being a Wife! I so desperately miss that aspect of my life. I miss caring for my husband, doing things for him, washing his laundry, everything that being a wife encompasses. Even having a conversation with him, and we talked for HOURS every day. I want that back, I want to be a wife again.

I know a lot of people dont understand how I am feeling, and thats ok. Im not asking for sympathy, or understanding, or anything for that matter. I just want to know what to do with myself to make the ache go away. I physically ache for Barry, I just want to be with him again, and I cant, and it tears me apart.

I know I have been forced to become a new person, and like it or not, I have to accept it. Do you think I enjoy writing about my grief? No. But its the new me, and its what I am good at. I am also dreading the thought of what I am going to be responsible for when I finally buy a house. Im going to have to learn how to hang shelving and learn how to use a drill! The old Joanna didnt even care about using a drill, and now she has to.

Im struggling with learning how to accept my new identity of Widow, and learning how to just remember what it was like to be a Wife. I dont have to forget it, just remember.

Read More..