How Long Will It Be

I started writing this post over an hour ago, and I am just now getting to it. I am slow tonight! I had a few emails to catch up on, a thank you note to write, facebook to check. Lots to do! I wasnt planning on writing tonight, because frankly, I just cant do the grief thing day in and day out. I do know that thats why youre here, because it makes for a good read. And thats totally ok with me, please just be aware that I wont be "grief blogging" every day. I would say the majority of my posts will be about grief, but Ive still got that Advent Calendar post to publish.

Anyway...

Today the youngest was very tired and overwhelmed. We were cleaning the house all day, and she didnt get a nap in. Naps arent the norm for her, but once in awhile she will still take one. During one of her cranky fits, she was crying and crying and said "I want my daddy".

Just imagine me letting out the biggest sigh ever. The weight of the world on my shoulders.

All I can do for her is say "I know", and give her a hug and a kiss.

I dont know how to handle these types of instances. I know she is young, but how long will it be till she stops asking about him? All the kids have known is having Daddy gone for work, he started Trucking when the twins were just over a year old. And while he had a local trucking job for awhile, they were just 2-3, and E at the time was just brand new, and 1.5 when he started with his current job (well, it was his current job). So all the kids are used to him being gone, but the older three understand more. She doesnt. I want her to ask, I dont want her to stop asking, but I dont know how to explain to her about what happened, over and over and over. My usual response is something along the lines of: "Daddys heart was sick, and the doctors couldnt fix it, and then daddy died. Now he lives in our hearts and we can talk to him any time we want" etc etc.

I thought ahead to Christmas, and her birthday, and wondered if shes going to ask about him then. Why does she have to be so used to him being gone? Why did his job have to be such a curse and a blessing that way? I cant help but wonder if she will forget him. I dont want her to forget! I am scared she will stop asking about him, and forget he existed, because she is so young. I know that it is our duty to keep him alive for her, to relay memories and tell stories, look at pictures and watch the few videos we have. And sadly, that is all we have now, whatever exists in our hearts and our heads, the jpgs in the computer and the few videos I have wandering somewhere around the house.

And if she does ask, what the hell am I going to say? How do I explain to her that daddy can never come back? It breaks my heart to break hers. How can I tell her that No, daddy isnt working, he died and now he lives in our hearts? As I said earlier, she is used to him being gone, she doesnt get the finality of the situation.

I just dont know what to do!

And while I am on the topic of grieving, I am wondering how to handle day to day life with the kids. I feel like we arent grieving. OK, maybe we are, I know we all are, but around each other, we dont so much. I rarely cry in front of the kids. The boy doesnt like to talk about his feelings. V, the oldest, is always saying how much she misses him and does cry...she shows her grief the most. E, the middle child, is a lot like the boy and doesnt show her feelings very well.

It feels like were just going through the motions of day to day life as usual. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Is it bad that this is our life, having him gone all the time, and bad that were used to it? I will be bringing this up at our next grief support group, because I think that some of the other parents can give me some insight on this. I personally, do not know what to do, because I want us to miss him, I want us to cry and be sad, but it seems like we just dont know how because we are so used to him being gone.

I know for a fact that I have trouble grieving in front of the kids. I do cry occasionally in front of them, and I know they have heard me at night getting upset and crying, but I feel like I have to put on a front for them and just be the strong mommy. The grieving wife side of me doesnt get to come out usually unless I am by myself at night, or during the day if all the kids are gone at friends houses or school.

Does anyone have any ideas? I know youre all reading, so comment already :)

Its hard to believe Ive been a widow for almost 7 weeks. It will be 7 weeks on Saturday.

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Two Months Ago

In Loving Memory
Barry N. Bender, Jr.
3-6-80 to 10-10-09

I will love you forever and always sexy man.

Ive been writing this blog post off and on for the past week, gleaning bits of information from myself to write today.

Today is the magical number two. Two months. 8 Weeks and 5 days exactly. 87,840 minutes.

It has been that long since Barry died.

And you know what? Im OK. I really am. most of the time. Today though, because it has been two months, I am sad. And I am crying, but I am OK. I am OK because I know that he loves me, and he will always love me. And I am OK because I know that I gave him his forever, even though he couldnt give it to me. I gave him the most love he could ever receive, I was a good wife, I was a good mother to his kids, I was his everything. He died knowing that I loved him, and that he was loved. And now in tribute to him, I am going to continue to live because that is what he would have wanted.

I still miss him terribly, but that awful heart wrenching pain has dissipated quite a bit. And for that I am thankful. I am thankful I can go to bed without crying, without feeling desperation all day, without feeling like I HAVE to grieve. I can go about a normal day and be a normal person. I love the picture that I posted of him. I took it this past summer at Fort Langley when we were visiting my mom. He rarely smiled in pictures, but in this one I can just see a smile coming out. I can look at it and see his mouth break open into a smile, while he looks at me. Even his eyes are smiling.

My cousin Heidi wrote a note on face book that really struck a cord with me. She wrote exactly how I felt, have felt, was feeling. She wrote about how you never think things are going to get better, and how it seems all youre going to do is hurt. But that time heals.

And its true, it really is. Time heals all wounds, even though it seems like complete bullshit when you first hear it.

To quote Barry,

"But in realizing death, we must also remember to live. Time heals all wounds. Grief is normal, and it will pass"

Ive had to repeat that to myself many times over the past two months. It seemed at first that nothing would get better, that I could never be happy again, that I would never get past this. And I really did walk around in a fog, just had this cloud above my head that was dark and thunderous. Eventually it started to go away, slowly, but its gone now. Sometime last month, a couple weeks before I wrote my post about "Its Time", is when I finally started feeling normal. I still wrote grief posts after that, because I felt I had to, but not because I wanted to. I felt it was expected of me. Like I had to bow to societys standards about how I have to grieve. But you know what? Fuck Society. Really. I dont care what everyone else thinks. Im an adult, I am independent, and I will make my OWN decisions and stop worrying about what everyone else thinks of me. I can thank Barry for helping me cultivate that attitude/view on life, because without him, I wouldnt have it. I will grieve in my own way, and if someone doesnt understand then they can just keep that to themselves.

Then I think about what he said, and I realize that time does heal all wounds. I can look back at him now and smile, and remember without my heart breaking. I still get teary eyed sometimes, and I will always miss him and love him. Hell never be forgotten. Hell always live on in us.

I had my ring cut off on Monday. I didnt feel right wearing it anymore. Im not married anymore, so why wear it? My fingers were too chubby to take it off myself, so I went to a local Jeweler, and had them cut it off. BUT BUT...Im also having mine and his re-soldered together, so they are intertwined. Not sure what Ill do with them after that, but Im not worried about that yet. They are very special to me, and we have the exact same ring, a plain gold band he bought from a German jewelery store. This way, if the kids want later in life, they can get them made into wedding bands for themselves, and have something special that was mine and Barrys. Ive also gotten rid of most of his stuff. Ive kept all the important mementos like pictures, cards, his wallet, knives/guns, last outfit he ever wore, his favorite t-shirt and one shirt for each of the kids. And I kept most of his DVDs, and his computers. But everything else went to goodwill. I dont want it anymore. I just needed to get rid of it, as it is cluttering up my life. I just cant have it around anymore. Im ready to move on. I think he would be exceptionally proud of me for how strong I have been, for how Ive held up in this time of adversity. I know he is proud of me. He ALWAYS encouraged me to become more independent, to stop worrying about what everyone thought of me, to be my own person, and I finally am. He would be extremely proud of me for standing on my own two feet!

In just under a month well be ringing in a new year. Im going to make 2010 the best that I can. Im going to Live, Love, Laugh, and Be Happy.

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