COUNTRY JOE KNOWS HOW I FEEL

Is anyone else out there so old that they also remember the song "Here I Go Again" by Country Joe and the Fish from back in 1969?

As I started to think about this blog post, that song popped into my head.  "Here I go again, off down the road again..."

The last time I really posted about what I was eating and how I was doing with my blood sugar and weight was in October 2013, so almost seven months ago.  Every now and then, I just get sick of the whole thing, all the tracking and reporting, and decide to just try to eat like a normal person.  This never works, and I am not sure why I think it will each time I try it for a few to several months.

This last "escape" was no different and I have gained back some weight and have seen my blood sugar get higher and higher.  So with regret and dread, here I go again.  A few weeks ago, I decided to start tracking food and "being good" and I did start to see results, but I was not very serious and gave up quickly, because I hate it so.  The tracking, I mean, not the good results.

Last week, I remembered that I had had good results using Alternate Day Intermittent Fasting.  I kept it up for a while, but eventually abandoned it for a lot of reasons that you can read about here.

But after watching some videos and seeing things a little differently, I have decided to give it another shot, and do it more along the lines of way that Krista Varady promotes.  I ordered her book from the library, and I am going to pick it up after I finish writing this post.

Basically, I think the difference between what she recommends and what I was doing before is that, while I was eating only 300 calories per day spread out into three very small snacks on the days that I would fast, she says to eat 500 calories on a fasting day and eat them all at once, like a regular meal.

The way I did it before was that I would only get to eat a few bites of something on my fast days, and it never satisfied me.  Dr. Varady says that this is a difficult thing for most people to stick to, and they end up overeating on the fasting day.  One of the other problems was that, every other day, I would not get to eat dinner with my husband.  He was on his own, and that never went over well, especially when I had to watch him eat a nice meal while I ate a tiny snack.

This time around, I am going to fast all day until dinner time, then eat a normal meal with my husband, which will come out to around 500 calories.  I have been doing this for a few days now, and fasting until dinner time (or late lunch time, if he will not be home for dinner) has not been a real problem for me.  A little tummy rumbling, but nothing too upsetting.

On the days I do not fast, I will have a fat snack to get me going in the morning, then eat a normal lunch and dinner.  I suspect that the non-fasting days will come out to around 1500 calories.

I know, I know...  I have disparaged calories and calorie counting in the past, and I still feel the same way now about the Calories In/Calories Out method of weight loss.  Using the word "calories" is just an easy way to express how I am keeping my food consumption within a range that will promote normal blood sugar and normal body fat percentage, which are the two things I focus on.

I will continue to eat high fat, moderate protein and very low carb.  I believe that the way the body uses different food macronutrients differs greatly, and that not all calories are alike.

Many people who do this type of intermittent fasting believe that all calories are equal, and that your body cannot differentiate between the calories that come from fat and the calories that come from protein or carbs.  All things being equal, your body will react the same to 1,000 calories worth of Twizzlers as it does to 1,000 calories of bacon.  I wrote a post about that that you can read here.

I can guarantee you that your blood sugar will register the difference!  Plus, after you eat that bacon, you will be satiated for hours, but after eating the Twizzlers, you will be very hungry again very quickly (after you get over that sick feeling that comes with eating all the Twizzlers) and you will want more carbs.

Anyway, before I completely run away on the calories tangent, I will share that I did start eating this way again last week, but had a false start.  I did fine on the fasting day, but overate like crazy on the non-fasting day, and I gained weight.  So, I took a deep breath and started again a couple of days ago.  So far, so good.  I have lost a couple of pounds and my blood sugar has been in the high 70s to the low 80s.

I am now eating normally on the non-fasting days and not falling prey to the old way of thinking, which was, "I better overeat today, because tomorrow I have to fast most of the day!"

THE BEST PART...

I am hoping that this plan will keep me from having to micromanage every bite of food that goes into my mouth.  If this is true, not having to weigh, measure and calculate my food will truly be the best part!

I am now off to the library to get the book.  Im sure I will learn something new and hopefully will be encouraged enough to keep going.  Many people who eat like this say that it is sustainable for life.  I sincerely hope so!

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Battle Of The Bulge

Something in me has changed these last couple months.

I have lost 33.5lbs!!! Only 11.5lbs more to reach my first goal of 43lbs, and then I can hit the big magic number that is 50!!

I will be the first to admit that before Barry died, all I did was snack, snack, snack and snack some more. Peanut M&Ms and Twizzlers were my friends, keeping me company at all times. *sigh*

When he died, I lost my appetite, and along with my appetite, my desire for sweets.

And now I dont care to eat them at all. Do you know, I can honestly say I can not remember the last time I bought myself a candy bar? a bag of candy? I really have no desire to eat it anymore, and I am so happy about that. But I think before this all happened, I ate because I was lonely. Because I had no one to talk to, nothing to do, nothing that gave me any purpose.

Im not saying I am not lonely, but you know, I have made so many new friends and talked to so many people that I dont feel lonely anymore. And I have no reason to eat junk food anymore, why would I?

I think seeing yourself lose so much weight is just the motivation you need. In the grand scheme of things, what Ive lost isnt that much for now. I still have a long ways to go, but I am getting there at a good pace and doing well with it. Ive gone down two jeans sizes, and Im about to hit my 3d within a few pounds more. I also think its about time to buy some new bras and unders, as theyre getting a bit big too. My shirt sizes have even gone down 1-2 sizes. My body is just eating up the fat like theres no tomorrow. And why? I just dont have much of an appetite. My body has gotten used to not getting sugar for energy, and is using its own fat stores to fuel me.

I think I am going to add some exercise into the mix, but I havent gotten quite brave enough to do that yet. I do have the Wii Fit, but I am also wanting to get a Gym membership.

Maybe one day Ill be brave enough to do a before and after shot, but not yet.

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Fate Knows

Fate knows all. I truly believe this, especially after the events of this past year.

First off, I do NOT want to write this post. Not one bit. But if I dont write it tonight, then I have to write it tomorrow. Unfortunately, it isnt something that can be ignored, as it has been really tugging on my mind the last few days. I feel that not writing about Fate would be an injustice to me, to you, to my blog and my memories.

Barry always said he would die young.

I would always shush him and say "Stop! Hush. Just take care of yourself and youll be fine".

But he knew, he always knew, and I think in the back of my mind I knew too. It hurts to say that, it rips me apart to admit it. Funny thing is, he was perfectly healthy, he had NO health problems except that he was overweight.

In response to my comment above, he would always say that the men in his family did not live long lives. And unfortunately, that has proved to be true. Barry died this year at age 29, his cousin Dustin died this past July at age 19, and their grandfather died at the age of 43 years ago. I hated hearing about how he knew he would die young, it scared me to think of him being taken away from us.

But Fate knew.

I truly believe that is why we had such a WONDERFUL marriage. True, we did have our ups and downs like every married couple, but we were strong to the core. We were best friends. We always talked, spent hours on the phone every day, talking about everything and anything. Silly things, the kids, life, death, my crafts, his favorite radio shows (Opie and Anthony, Ron and Fez and Weird Medicine), our future, our past. Anything you can imagine, we talked about. In fact, our relationship started as talking and communicating via email, phone calls and chat rooms. We met in a chat room! We talked for 9 months before we even met in person, coincidentally the day we met in person was the day he asked me to marry him. And we were married 3.5 months later. Really though, we had the best marriage. We packed everything we could into our 10 years, and that was because fate knew.

We had a fantastic 2009 as a family. In May we went to The Woodland Park Zoo in Seattle for our annual May Day excursion, in July we went to B.C. for a week, in August we went to Multnomah Falls in Oregon, and up to Birch Bay, WA as well. He was also here for our youngest daughters firsts, like getting her ears pierced right before her 3d birthday last march. He was always adamant that the girls wait till they were responsible and able to not play with them, but he relented, and she had her ears pierced on his birthday, March 6th 2009. When we went to BC in July, that was our real family vacation, and we had so much fun! We all had such a good time, even if he didnt like to admit it all the time :).

In August, when we went to Multnomah Falls, we got the boy his first pocket knife. It was supposed to be a Christmas present, and had his name engraved into it, but Barry wanted to give it to him early, so we did. And he was able to teach the boy how to properly use a pocket knife. One day while he was home in August, I was talking to him about some Christmas gifts I had bought for the kids, and showed them to him. He didnt want me to give them to the kids b/c they took batteries, and we were trying to avoid that this year, so we gave them all to the kids as an early present. So he was able to see the kids open some of their Christmas gifts, and experience the joy that they did getting a surprise present.

Just a few short days later after we went to Oregon, we were able to take an early 10th anniversary trip!!! We dropped the kids off at my parents place, and stayed at a hotel for a weekend, went out for a nice dinner and saw a movie (Inglourious Basterds) and did a bit of shopping. It was a great trip, and a great summer.

In 2009 Barry also got to realize his dream of going back to school. Unfortunately he did not get to finish, but he gave it his all while he was studying. He did a great job, and today in fact, I got copies of all of his Deans List letters. He was on the Deans list every. single. semester. He was awesome!!

And to say it again, I truly believe that this all happened because fate just knew. Fate knew that we had to do all this stuff, experience it, because little did we know he would be dead just a few short months later.

I also knew Barry was going to die as soon as I brought him to the hospital, perhaps even before. it wasnt a thought I was aware of, but it was just in the back of my mind, just a feeling I had. I think it was solidified for me once I saw him intubated, sedated in the ICU/CCU. Subconsciously I knew there was no going back from that point, but my mind didnt really register that thought. Its a hard feeling to explain, just a niggling feeling that you cant put your thumb on.

Because of what happened in October, I am so thankful for this year. I am so thankful that we had that time as a family, going on vacation, making memories and being with each other. Im thankful that Barry and I had one last date, and got to celebrate our 10th anniversary 3.5 months early (we actually went out for our anniversary on the anniversary of our engagement! lol). Im thankful that the kids last memories of their daddy are good ones, rather than of him being in the hospital (they never saw him in the hospital). Now all they have to know is the good memories, of our time in Seattle, BC, and in Oregon, and everything before that.

Theyll never know the pain I felt while he was in the hospital and when he died, because I wanted to protect them from that. Theyll never know what it was like to see his head without his beloved beard, looking like a bowling ball, because they had to shave his beard off. Theyll never have to know what it was like to see countless machines and tubes attached to his body, hearing beeps and blips, and heart rate monitors, seeing iv tubes, catheters, all that crap. Theyll never have to know how awful it was to hear him say his last words, "I cant breathe. I cant breathe. Why cant I breathe?" while looking into his eyes. All they have now are good, wonderful, memories of the best daddy they could ever have.

I do have to say though, Fate is a cruel bitch too, just like her sister Reality.

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