Its Time

Dear Readers;

What Im going to write about today has been weighing heavily on my mind for awhile, and Ive struggled with coming to terms with it, how to acknowledge it, and just how to proceed from there. I had a couple really awesome conversations last night with a couple people, one including my sister, that really helped me realize that this is what I want to do right now.

And without further adieu, here we go...

Im not going to blog about grief for long time.

It has been almost two months since Barry died. I have trouble beleiving that myself, only two months? I remember the week after he died, when we were all busy with funeral preparations and dealing with that and the aftermath, time just crept by so very slowly. And then my family left, and I thought time couldnt go fast enough. All I wanted was for time to pass. Now here I am, the last day of November, and Im shocked that hes been dead for two months almost.

The last two months have been filled with unmeasurable sorrow. Buckets of tears, little sleep, spending lots of money because I just needed to keep busy. Weve done the Grief Support group thing (next week the 10th is our last meeting, were skipping this week because the three older kids have the Christmas Choir performance) too, and weve just tried to deal with this dynamic change in our family. And it has been the HARDEST thing I have ever had to do.

I will always love him, that is never going to change. How could I not? We were married for almost 10 years and have 4 children together. He was my life for over 10 years.

But now hes dead.

And honestly, that changes things now. How can I be in love with a dead man? Does that sound callous? I certainly dont intend for it to sound that way, but the love that I have for him, its changing in some ways. Its so hard to explain unless youve actually lost a spouse; You will always love them, always hold them in your heart and memories, but you cant live a live with a dead person. You cant talk to a dead person...well, you can, but not in person and you certainly wont get a response. I dont think the love will fade, but it just changes.

Blogging about him has been so therapeutic, it has helped me to work with my grief and somehow, somewhat, come to terms with it. But it is so emotionally exhausting to talk about it all. the. time. Ever stopped by here and wondered why there wasnt a post one day? this is why. All Ive been blogging about for these last two months has been Grief and Barry, and I just CANT anymore. I just cant. Theres no saying I wont blog about grief again, I probably will, and at certain milestones too. But this grief blogging day after day after day after day, is really getting old. How many times can I really say how sad I am? And I do think that blogging about him all the time is prolonging my sadness. Of course if I write about it, Im going to be sad and all that encompasses.

I want to be happy again, I am going to be happy again. I dont want to wake up each day and think that I have to grieve, have to be sad all the time because my husband is dead. Society has made us think that once you lose a spouse, you should grieve for the longest time possible, perhaps the rest of your life. But Im only 29, Im not destined to spend the rest of my life grieving and mourning the loss of my husband. Im not destined to spend the rest of my life alone! I do want to love again, and one day I hope I can even get remarried. Im going to get through the holidays this month (ok, next month, but its only one day, does it really matter?), and start 2010 afresh. 2010 is going to be a new year for us! Im going to make it the best year I can. Were going to go to see family in PA hopefully in the summer for a reunion, Im going to try take the kids to Disneyworld or Disneyland, and Im even thinking about going camping with them too! Were going to LIVE, and enjoy, and be happy again.

I hope you will all come to visit and read my blog still. I love having you all here, reading about us, encouraging me, and being such awesome supportive friends. It has meant so much to me.

And with that, I say goodbye to grief blogging for now. I will be blogging still regularly, so come back to visit!! Ive found a new love for writing, and I enjoy it!!

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Yes He Really Is DEAD

I was in town, well, if you can call it in town, today for MOPS. OK, I really wouldnt call it in Town, because I live in the state capitol, but for all intents and purposes, I shall say "in town". And "town" is a half hour away from my house. And town is in a different place than where I live. But I digress...

Today at MOPS we made Advent Calendars. I have to say this is one of the most fun crafts I have ever made, I really really enjoyed it. I will post pictures in the next couple days or so of what I did because I am going to do a blog post about it. Figured Id get a happy post in, everyone wants to know how to do crafts, right? So be on the look out for that in a few days, I am looking forward to posting it.

On to business...

Today I paid for Barrys funeral and cremation. I remember walking up to the Funeral Home and thinking that MOPS had just gotten out, and would anyone see me go into the funeral home and wonder why I was there? I dont think anyone saw me, but I dont know why I didnt want them to see me. I wasnt ashamed, I suppose it was just something I didnt want to share with anyone. Didnt want them to see me still taking care of funeral business, dealing with it all still.

I was laughing and joking with the staff, but inside I was hurting. I asked them if they could process my debit card as a credit because I get points for all transactions I do as credit. I joked about Barrys service giving me over 12000 points and now I could earn a Macys gift card because I was over the point threshold for a $50 card. We talked about gallows humor, and how you just have to laugh sometimes because otherwise youll just be eaten up inside. And then I accidentally slipped and said something about burning Barry...I was shocked at myself, but then started laughing because I was so flustered.

Paying today though, really was a slap in the face. It was a reminder, all over again, that "Yes, He really is DEAD" and that nothing could bring him back. Not that I expect anything to bring him back, but it was a hurtful reminder as I signed that receipt for $3,625. I felt as sad as I did when he died, as sad as I have been feeling since he died.

While driving back to the city, I was thinking again about how awful this whole situation is. How surreal it is. Do you know I still feel like I am in a dream sometimes? Hoping that maybe Ill wake up somehow. Because it still doesnt feel real to me, he doesnt seem gone. But he is, and will be forever. And while I was thinking about how awful it is, about how full of despair I am, I told myself that I just had to laugh.

The situation I am in, that the kids are in, it is so fucking awful. How can I cry all the time, and be depressed all the time? It is so stressful that I have to laugh about it, though I do feel like laughing like a mad woman. Just belly laughing to DE-stress. Its so awful you cant imagine how awful it really is. And every time I think that maybe, just maybe, I am OK, it hits me all over again and Im knocked to the ground. And my last analogy of the night, dealing with grief of this magnitude is so very much like one step forward, two steps back. I feel like I am in a well trying to climb up the slippery sides, but rarely finding anything to grip.

And I wonder, when will I be OK? I know were NEVER going to get over this. You cant possibly get over a loss like this. The pain is going to be there forever, but when will I be OK? When can I laugh, and share memories, and be happy again? When will I think of him and have a warm fuzzy feeling spread throughout my body as I remember him, instead of being sad and angry that he left us?

I still cant look at his pictures for too long without crying. I do touch his face each night and say "I love you", I kiss his lips through the glass, and then I go to bed.

And I still havent dreamt about him.

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