No Christmas Spirit

I am positive this is all due to Barry being dead, but I have none. zilch. zip.  zero. none.

I have my tree up, and all my decor.  I even put light up candy canes outside on my front lawn, and you can see my tree through my bay window from the outside, and it looks awesome.

Yet something is missing.  It doesnt feel like Christmas here at all.  Well, maybe a little bit, but not very much at all.  I have all my shopping done, but have not wrapped any presents.  I have not done any baking.  I rarely listen to Christmas music.  We finally put together our gingerbread house last night.

In years past, this was all the norm.  I made dozens and dozens of cookies, Christmas music was on all the time ad nauseum, and I was just so excited for Christmas to come.  I shopped and shopped and planned everything out to the last detail.

Last year obviously was the exception, and I didnt do anything.  We didnt even make a gingerbread house, which has been a yearly tradition since I can remember.  Since E was a baby in 2002 actually.  Last year was horrid.  My friend Rebecca mentioned that because last year was such a blur, we were still in shock, that its all hitting me this year.

I am doing so many different things this year, that its a bit disconcerting I think.  Maybe because we are going to Canada for Christmas that I havent really planned too much.  Or maybe because Barry isnt with us anymore, that it doesnt feel like Christmas anymore.  This is our first "real" normal Christmas without him, and it isnt even a real Christmas because we are going out of the country and spending it with my family.

I have to force myself to wrap presents for the kids and I actually, Im so slow with that!  I dont know, I just dont seem to care this year.  Maybe Ill feel differently once we get to my moms place on Christmas eve and start celebrating.  But until then, I wont really know.  I just dont care about the holiday, and almost wish it would just be over and done with already.

Someone needs to give me some Christmas spirit and stat!  Lets not even talk about New Years Eve yet.

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I Just Have To Brag

Ive always been interested in photography from a young age.  When I was 12, my parents bought me my first camera for Christmas, which I had for years.  Ive had various cameras since then, and a few years ago finally got a good digital camera.  That was my Canon SD1000 Power Shot.

I had bugged Barry for years because I always wanted a DSLR, but he would never let me spend the money on one.  It irritated me to no avail, so the first thing I bought when he died was a Canon Rebel XS DSLR camera, which I absolutely loved.  I felt like such a rebel when I did that.  I had that camera until this past February, when I was at Best Buy with my dad, and traded in that one for the newest Canon EOS 60D.  My dad paid me for my Rebel, and I used that to help pay for this camera.

Since Ive had the DSLRs, Ive fooled around with photography, and have taken some really amazing photos.  I had a friend over a few weeks ago, and snapped this photo of her 6 month old son.

Ive gotten some really great feedback on the photo, and was just nominated for Photo of The Week on JPGMag.com.  Even if I dont get photo of the week, I feel such a sense of accomplishment.  I am proud of myself for taking such a great photo.  I absolutely LOVE it!

If you dont mind, take a peek at the photo and vote if you can :) Id really appreciate it, even if you have to become a member, I would be really happy if you could.

Thanks so much everyone!!

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I had an idea but now its gone

I had this great idea about what to blog about the other day, and told one of my twitter friends about it, but then I forgot.  Oops.  It was something to do with grief, but I cant for the life of me recall what it was about, so I will share something that happened to me yesterday.

I was at MOPS yesterday for our annual Christmas meeting.  Ive been going to this MOPS group for 5 years now! I cant believe it has been that long already, I started going a couple months before A was born in march of 06. The ladies welcomed me right in, and Ive been a part of that group ever since.  We have lost some members due to their children being too old, or they moved away, or just decided not to come anymore, but there are still some of us hardcore members from back then that still have younger kids, or have had more kids.  New moms join every year as they have babies, so the group in itself is pretty awesome, and I am so thankful for it.  My MOPS group has been there for me so much, especially last year when Barry passed and they provided meals for us, helped with funeral arrangements etc etc.

The first sob of the morning happened during our hospitality time, when we did all our hellos, raffles etc. Every month we celebrate anniversaries and birthdays. Well, this December would have been mine and Barrys 11th wedding anniversary.  Two ladies raised their hands because they had anniversaries in this month.  I did not until the last moment.  Then before I could start talking, I started sobbing.  It came out of nowhere. The tears started flowing and all I could manage to choke out was "Oh god" as I was crying.  I managed to calm down a bit, and then said "Barry and I would have had our 11th anniversary this month".  And I cried some more.  I wasnt expecting that to happen at all.  It really is amazing how quickly the tears can come on, with little to no warning at all.

Yesterday before we did our White Elephant gift exchange, we also had a Mentor moms panel where the more experienced older moms talked to us younger moms.  These "older" moms have kids that are usually close to my age or older, so they have been married about 30  years usually.  As they were all talking about marriage, mother hood and all that that entails, I started to get really irritated.  I almost got up and left the room.  I didnt want to be there hearing these women talk about their husbands they had had the pleasure to be married to for 30, 40 years.  Frankly, it PISSED ME OFF.  I was INSANELY jealous, but I managed to hold it together and keep the tears at bay as best as I could.  The last thing they addressed was being a single mom and if they had any tips for single moms.  I kind of had to laugh to myself because they didnt really know how to answer this question. At the end of that session, they asked if anyone had anything to share.  And up went my hand. I talked.  But mostly I cried.

I had noticed one thing these women never mentioned at all was really how to treat their husbands.  So through my big crocodile tears, and snotty nose, and sobs escaping me, I told my story to the moms that had never heard it.  I explained to them how Barry had died last year because some of the moms were new and didnt know me last year.  Then I got to the point of what I had to say.  I said two things:

Never ever take your husbands for granted, and always, always say I love you, because you never know when you will have your last moment with them.

And I cried, and cried and cried. I know some of the other women were crying.  Someone gave me tissues, and I got a couple hugs.  It just amazed me that these good Christian women forgot the two most important things.  How could you forget those? They are so vital to a good marriage.  I know that first hand. I am so thankful that Barry died knowing I loved him.  One thing I wish though, is that I could tell him one last time that I loved him.  I did get to say my goodbyes, and I did tell him I loved him as they were doing CPR and I know he heard me, but just to say it to his face as he looks me would make me so happy.  My memories of that morning are foggy because of everything that went on, and I know I told him I loved him when he was still alive, because we ALWAYS were telling each other we loved each other, I just wish I could remember.

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I had a Dream

I finally dreamed about Barry last night, which seemed to be the first time in forever.  Ive never really dreamed of him, just bits and pieces.  It has never been a full length movie-like dream.

In my dream my life was just like it is now.  I was either sitting at my desk reading the news online, or reading a newspaper, and I saw a title that shocked and intrigued me, so I read further.  It said "Man found hiding out in Shelton".  Immediately my eyes were drawn to the article, and it turns out it was Barry.  Who was supposed to be dead.  I dont remember much after that, but in my dream I did see him again.  I remember feeling numb.  I wasnt happy, or sad, or anything really.  I do remember telling him he couldnt sleep in my bed anymore.

And then my alarm went off.

What a bizarre dream!!  Honestly, I dont even know what to make of that because it was so strange.  Why would I dream that?

I do think though, that I am glad I havent had those really intense dreams where you remember everything about it in the morning.  Having one of those would be too painful for me, because I would get to see him, and talk to him, and touch him in my dreams.  And then upon waking up, it would be like a dagger stuck in my heart, because Id wake up to the cruel reality that he is no longer here.  I really do prefer not dreaming about him.

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