COUNTRY JOE KNOWS HOW I FEEL

Is anyone else out there so old that they also remember the song "Here I Go Again" by Country Joe and the Fish from back in 1969?

As I started to think about this blog post, that song popped into my head.  "Here I go again, off down the road again..."

The last time I really posted about what I was eating and how I was doing with my blood sugar and weight was in October 2013, so almost seven months ago.  Every now and then, I just get sick of the whole thing, all the tracking and reporting, and decide to just try to eat like a normal person.  This never works, and I am not sure why I think it will each time I try it for a few to several months.

This last "escape" was no different and I have gained back some weight and have seen my blood sugar get higher and higher.  So with regret and dread, here I go again.  A few weeks ago, I decided to start tracking food and "being good" and I did start to see results, but I was not very serious and gave up quickly, because I hate it so.  The tracking, I mean, not the good results.

Last week, I remembered that I had had good results using Alternate Day Intermittent Fasting.  I kept it up for a while, but eventually abandoned it for a lot of reasons that you can read about here.

But after watching some videos and seeing things a little differently, I have decided to give it another shot, and do it more along the lines of way that Krista Varady promotes.  I ordered her book from the library, and I am going to pick it up after I finish writing this post.

Basically, I think the difference between what she recommends and what I was doing before is that, while I was eating only 300 calories per day spread out into three very small snacks on the days that I would fast, she says to eat 500 calories on a fasting day and eat them all at once, like a regular meal.

The way I did it before was that I would only get to eat a few bites of something on my fast days, and it never satisfied me.  Dr. Varady says that this is a difficult thing for most people to stick to, and they end up overeating on the fasting day.  One of the other problems was that, every other day, I would not get to eat dinner with my husband.  He was on his own, and that never went over well, especially when I had to watch him eat a nice meal while I ate a tiny snack.

This time around, I am going to fast all day until dinner time, then eat a normal meal with my husband, which will come out to around 500 calories.  I have been doing this for a few days now, and fasting until dinner time (or late lunch time, if he will not be home for dinner) has not been a real problem for me.  A little tummy rumbling, but nothing too upsetting.

On the days I do not fast, I will have a fat snack to get me going in the morning, then eat a normal lunch and dinner.  I suspect that the non-fasting days will come out to around 1500 calories.

I know, I know...  I have disparaged calories and calorie counting in the past, and I still feel the same way now about the Calories In/Calories Out method of weight loss.  Using the word "calories" is just an easy way to express how I am keeping my food consumption within a range that will promote normal blood sugar and normal body fat percentage, which are the two things I focus on.

I will continue to eat high fat, moderate protein and very low carb.  I believe that the way the body uses different food macronutrients differs greatly, and that not all calories are alike.

Many people who do this type of intermittent fasting believe that all calories are equal, and that your body cannot differentiate between the calories that come from fat and the calories that come from protein or carbs.  All things being equal, your body will react the same to 1,000 calories worth of Twizzlers as it does to 1,000 calories of bacon.  I wrote a post about that that you can read here.

I can guarantee you that your blood sugar will register the difference!  Plus, after you eat that bacon, you will be satiated for hours, but after eating the Twizzlers, you will be very hungry again very quickly (after you get over that sick feeling that comes with eating all the Twizzlers) and you will want more carbs.

Anyway, before I completely run away on the calories tangent, I will share that I did start eating this way again last week, but had a false start.  I did fine on the fasting day, but overate like crazy on the non-fasting day, and I gained weight.  So, I took a deep breath and started again a couple of days ago.  So far, so good.  I have lost a couple of pounds and my blood sugar has been in the high 70s to the low 80s.

I am now eating normally on the non-fasting days and not falling prey to the old way of thinking, which was, "I better overeat today, because tomorrow I have to fast most of the day!"

THE BEST PART...

I am hoping that this plan will keep me from having to micromanage every bite of food that goes into my mouth.  If this is true, not having to weigh, measure and calculate my food will truly be the best part!

I am now off to the library to get the book.  Im sure I will learn something new and hopefully will be encouraged enough to keep going.  Many people who eat like this say that it is sustainable for life.  I sincerely hope so!

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I Feel Cheated and Some News

Since the new year, life has really been changing a lot for the kids and I. Ive taken some drastic steps towards the future of our family, a positive future.

I decided with the money that Barry left me, I was going to purchase a home for the kids and I, and I did! I am a HOMEOWNER!!! Well, not technically...yet, but closing is March 15th. The inspection was yesterday, and I locked in my mortgage rate today! I got a great deal and my mortgage payment, with my down payment, will be only $50 more than I pay right now for rent! I am so happy about that! I will have to add in water/sewer bills, but that wont be too much more per month.

The house is beautiful, I LOVE it. Its 2200sq feet, 4 bedrooms, 2.5/3 baths, two car garage, fully fenced back yard, gorgeous gorgeous HUGE kitchen etc etc. I really love it. It is a brand new home too! move in ready!! I dont have to do any painting, all I have to do is buy new furniture and some decor items.





Back to my original point though, I feel cheated. I really really do. Why do I feel cheated? take a wild guess....because Im a widow.

At my grief support group, most of the ladies there had been married to their husbands for 50+ years. 50 Years. And me? I barely got 10. Not even 10. I got 9 years, 9 months and 11 days. That is it.

I desperately wish for, long for, and want with my whole body mind and soul, to have had that amount of time with him. I HATE that I only got 11 years of knowing him. Its just not fair!

What I am about to say, I dont admit this to many people except my three closest girlfriends. But honestly? I am so desperately afraid of being alone the rest of my life. I know its not something I need to worry about right now, but the fear that I have about this is almost crippling. One of them suggested I might be struggling with separation anxiety, and I do agree with her. And my mom said to me after Barry died, that the lack of communication would be what I have the hardest time with. And theyre all right.

I struggle daily with not being able to talk to him. You have to know, we went from HOURS of talking a day to ZERO, ZILCH, NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. And I feel lost without him, without being able to hear his voice in my ear...even when we talked about mundane things like what I was making for dinner, or chit chatting while I was in Target or Wal Mart.

This lack of communication actually causes me a LOT of anxiety. I tend to just push it from my mind, and spend lots of time on the phone with my friends to help pass the time so I dont think about the fact that Im not talking to him. When I do think about it, my heart starts to beat faster, I get a rush of adrenaline and I feel panicky.

But apart from that, other things cause me anxiety too. Just recently, within the past few weeks, when I went to the hospital for my Grief Works group, I passed by a little recess in the wall that had hand sanitizer and masks. It happened today too. I saw the masks and started to get anxious. Why you ask? Because when Barry was in the CCU, I had to wear them constantly. They made my lips and face numb. I can still feel it on my skin even now, more than 4 months after he died. I can picture my little routine of driving to the hospital, finding a parking spot...walking down the outside stairs and down the hallway to the CCU unit. Going to the bathroom before I called in and washing my hands. Picking up the phone and saying "This is Barrys wife, can I please come in?". Hearing the door latch click open, and walking down the tile floor a ways...turning right, and then walking another 5 feet through the wide double doors into the CCU Unit. The nurses station on the right, Id usually say hello, and then Barrys room off to the far left. Id grab a mask on the outside of his sliding glass door, slip the elastic over my ears, and pinch it around my nose. Id slide open the door and start saying hello to him. Id place my stuff in the chair, and go kiss him hello. Then Id sit down and do stuff in the chair, or Id stand by him and talk to him, rubbing his hands, or his feet, or just sit and talk to him as the numbness from the mask overtook my face. .

I did this every single day. Multiple times a day. Sometimes I was back and forth at the hospital three times a day...morning, afternoon, and at night after dinner. I often wouldnt come home till 11, 12PM at night sometimes. At times I miss this routine, because even if he was sick, he was still alive and I could still be with him.

I miss him. I miss him so much I cant stand it, and I hate feeling cheated!

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