The Night Before

Ok, so Ive been waiting for something to grab me for a while. I stumbled across The Fast Diet this morning and in fine British mode, theres no time like the present. 

Ive planned to start my fast diet tomorrow and with it being Monday might be a tough task. Id rather start off tough though whilst I have the motivation, with the intention of it becoming easier, rather than the other way around...

Ill be posting a series of posts detailing how Im doing along the way and offering advise to anyone who may be following me and taking part also.

Wish me luck!!!!

D x

Read More..

Almost 30 Years of Barry

I have so much to write this weekend, but cant seem to get my thoughts straight at all. The difficulty of that stems from the fact that we have two birthdays this weekend. Today was Barrys 30th Birthday. Tomorrow is As 4th Birthday. Tomorrow is my sisters 23d Birthday.

I suspected that today would be a hard day for us, but it wasnt all that bad to be honest. I purposely planned As birthday for today so we could get through it. I had her party at Chuck E Cheeses this morning, upon the insistence of my friend Rebecca who encouraged me to have a party for her even though i wasnt feeling it this year. The party went great actually! She was spoiled by all her friends that came, and we enjoyed white and chocolate cupcakes with pink and purple frosting. The weather was beautiful today, so when we got home, the kids and I had an impromptu photo shoot outside. I got some beautiful photos that I will be printing out and framing. We really did have a fantastic afternoon in the sunshine.

My plan for the night was to take the kids to our favorite family restaurant, and Barrys favorite, a local Chinese Buffet. I had actually decided ages ago though, that we would go there every year on his birthday. A way to honor his memory in a way. It really was his favorite restaurant, he LOVED it there. After his funeral in October, my family and his family, all my family, we all went to the restaurant together to honor him as well. We had such a good time that Friday night, and the kids and I had a good time tonight too. But walking into that restaurant without him was strange, surreal...I felt memories wash over me like a tsnunami. Even the smell reminded me of him.

As I sat there at the table with the kids, I could see him sitting across from me. My memories were so incredibly vivid, that I could really see him sitting there in his black t-shirt, a plate piled high with Chinese food and a beer in front of him. I could see him, hear him...I almost could have reached out and touched him.

Never before have my memories been so vivid. Never before in the last five months has he been so real to me. It was almost a comfort to me, knowing I could conjure him up just like that. I dont know that I could ever, will ever, do that again though. It was nice to see him, but I dont know...I just dont know.

I really expected myself to be a snivelling mess today, but you know what, I havent cried once. We sang Happy Birthday to Daddy, we went out for dinner to his favorite restaurant, we laughed and we remembered him. I have the kids working on writing him a letter, which I am going to have them do every year around his birthday. They can read them when they are older. I myself bought him a card yesterday when i was at Target, and that surprisingly was the hardest for me, and I sobbed as I picked it out. I had the same idea for myself as I did for the kids: I will buy him a card every year, write in it and seal it, and then open it up years down the road, or leave it for the kids when I am no longer here anymore.

Tomorrow is As 4th birthday. I am going to try write about her if I can...but writing about two birthdays in two days, is a bit much for me. Emotionally exhausting if you may.

Read More..

Overwhelmed Doesnt Even Begin to Explain

Whew! I have so much going on in my life right now that I feel like my head is spinning in a million different directions, ala Regan from The Exorcist.

On a side note, I have to share a story about The Exorcist that has haunted me to this day, even 10 years later! When Barry and I were first married and living in the barracks, he had me watch The Exorcist with him. Well, let me say...TRIED to get me to watch it with him. I think I lasted to the part where Regan levitates in the corner, and then I was adamant that he turn it off. I couldnt watch it anymore. A couple months later when we were in our first apartment, he somehow managed to convince me to watch it with him again. Why Oh Why did I do that? I think I laid on the couch, my head in his lap, and my face covering my face and hands most of the movie. I was HORRIFIED. The movie has haunted me to this day, and Barry milked it for all he could. Hed constantly tease me with Regan voices..."GIVE US TIME" lol Hed find scary videos on you tube and lure me into watching them. All the time, for 10 years. If he were still alive, hed be doing it now still. It makes me laugh, because he got such pleasure out of scaring me. Id always smack his arm and yell at him. His ring tone on his cell phone was Regans voice even. The "coups DE grace"...is that the right way to say it? Well, that was when I found this video on YouTube. I wont post the link because I dont know it, but it was just a clip of a rocking chair in a dark room. It was meant to be scary, or suspenseful, and then all the sudden Regans face JUMPS out at you. I screamed so loud and then laughed at myself when I saw it. I figured Id email it to Barry, and see if it would scare him. Well guess what? He screamed like a little girl! HAHAHAHA I was absolutely thrilled that I was able to get him back. Even if it was just once, I still got him, and I never let him forget it :)

Back to my original point though, there is so much going on right now that I feel like my head is spinning in a million different directions.

When we bought our house back in 05, there was a lot to do, but I think I conveniently forgot how awful it really was. Times that by 10 and youve got my situation right now! Everything is going well, but Im about to put Mike, my realtor on speed dial. We see each other SO much right now, and were always calling each other about one thing or another. I think between the time I put the offer in on the 11th, and today, there were maybe 3 days that I didnt see him. And Ill be talking to him tomorrow as well, and then wednesday afternoon, were meeting with the Blinds guy at the new house. Closing date is March 15th! Well be moving around the first week of April I think...Im shooting for Easter weekend.

I still have to shop for funiture, but I am hoping that goes as painlessly as possibly. Wednesday morning I am meeting with my insurance agent to do my homeowners insurance. I still have packing and decluttering to do. Just today I took a whole van load to Goodwill! There will be plenty more.

Want to see a list of what I have to do yet?

• Homeowners Insurance
• Pick out all the window coverings with the Blind guy
• figure out why my kids ask stupid questions like "Are we having Peas with dinner", when clearly there is a bowl of peas on the table.
• Call someone to come pick up all the old furniture so I can donate it
• Shop for new furniture (LOTS of it too!)
• Buy new mattresses
• Find more boxes
• Give my landlord notice that I am moving (I have held off on this due to waiting for the appraisal from my mortgage company). I will keep this place till the end of April so I can come and clean after we move, and make sure the rest of my furniture gets removed/donated.
• Find movers
• Move and unpack and get my house ready for housewarming party May 8th
• Clean this place out from top to bottom
• Housewarming party in May (this isnt a worry yet, but its going to happen soon enough)

I know there is a lot more to do with the house, but that is just a bit of what I have to do. On top of that, my life is busy with other stuff too. I go to the gym at minimum 3 days a week, and I also had my grief support group on Wednesdays. That group is over, but we meet again on Wed the 3d for a reunion breakfast. And then I have stuff with the kids too, like character day on friday. And lots of homework too. And A has play dates. Oh wait...her birthday is in two weeks and I forgot to plan that too. sigh. Barrys birthday is the day before hers, and I am thinking were going to have her party that day to help us get through it better. Well be going out for dinner to his favorite restaurant that day too, I decided it would be a new tradition for us :) Oh, lets also not forget that Monday the 1st of March, Im getting my wisdom teeth taken out. Le Sigh.

I am very much so looking forward to the time AFTER I move, because that way at least things will calm down somewhat for us...I am hoping. Then after that I get to unpack and get ready for my housewarming party. Im looking forward to that :)

I try to keep busy, but sometimes I think I over schedule myself, and then I get overwhelmed with life. Thats how I feel right now. I dont quite know how to get a handle on it all, and deal with grief at the same time. In April Ill also be adding in grief support for the kids as well as trying to find a counselor for myself. That HAS to wait till after we move though because there is no way I can handle it all right now. I think keeping busy though, helps to combat the sadness and overwhelming despair that I feel at times.

I decided that the kids and I would do something fun once a month, if not more. Yesterday we went to the Zoo in Tacoma. We have a membership for that. On As birthday in March, I think well hit up North West Trek, which is a wild life reserve about an hour away from us. April I have no plans yet, and May I think well be taking a scenic Steam Engine tour around Mt Rainier. June were going to do a weekend trip to the coast or maybe go visit the Tillamook factory in Oregeon, and in July we go to Canada, and August well be going to Birch Bay. Anyway, that is just what I have projected, but it gives us something to look forward to at least, right? Sometimes we just go to see a movie too, the kids love to do that.

I know this isnt the grieving post that everyone comes to read, but sometimes I need to get out my non-sad thoughts too. I think I need to write a list though!

Look for a post soon regarding how "I can do it MYSELF"

Read More..

Celebrate Your Victories Even the Dirty Ones

Last week I blogged about how excited I was to do the Dirty Dash for the fourth time since starting my weight loss journey and as promised, here is a race re-cap and some pictures!

Saturday morning rolled around and it was race day. I was incredibly nervous. I wasnt sure if I would be able to do all of the obstacles, I was nervous that maybe I hadnt trained enough. With all the nerves, the hour long drive up to Soldier Hollow seemed to take for-EVER.

Luckily my roommate Mattie was coming with me. This was her first Dirty Dash, and I wanted to make sure it was a good experience for her. Shes not really into running, so I told her she would control the pace and we were just going to have fun.

Pre-race:

I gave Mattie all  my Dirty Dash advice: make sure your shoes are tied tight, stick to the edges of the start line, its less muddy, ect.. We were both pretty nervous, but we were also ready to conquer the course.

Readers Who Read This Also Enjoyed: I Lost 100 Pounds With The HCG Diet

During the race, I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to do all of the obstacles with relative ease. We jogged parts and walked parts. Since its not a timed race and since there were so many people, we didnt feel pressure to rush. A lot of the times the groups of people made it difficult to walk anyway. Even though we didnt do too much running, I felt like I could have run the whole thing. With the Dirty Dash, you have the option to do a 5k or a 10k. By the time we ascended the final hill before the 5k/10k split, Mattie was pretty wiped out. She did incredible too! She did twice the amount of obstacles I did when I did it for the first time. We opted for the 5k and made our way to the giant slip n slide. With a running start, I supermanned down that slide SO FAST. :) It was pure joy.

Post-Race:

I kept thinking the whole time how proud I was of my body. I  felt strong and empowered through the whole thing, and it was a major confirmation to me that my working out is paying off.

Readers Who Read This Also Read: A Note About Health From One Curvy Girl To Another

Sometimes I get frustrated with myself because I dont feel like Im where I need to be weight wise, and then things like this happen and I realize that there are many different types of progress, and the scale is only one of them. For me the victory of seeing how much easier this race is this year compared to last year was worth celebrating.

What small victory can you celebrate today?

Ive come so far. My weight will most likely always be a work in progress, but as long as Im not stagnant, as long as I take the time to celebrate my small victories, its all going to be worth it.

Read More..