Doing the Best I Can

I pride myself on being honest about my journey on the HCG Diet. Its important to me to maintain the trust Ive built between my readers because they mean so very much to me. I am being completely serious when I say I owe a lot of my success to the people who have read my blog and offered support to me through comments when I needed it most. That being said, at times I feel a tremendous amount of pressure to be successful with this diet. If somehow I were to fail, Id have hundreds of captive readers watching that failure. I also know that several people look to my success on this diet as a reason for they themselves to start losing weight. And I love that. I love being someones inspiration to get healthy. As lovely, rewarding, and heartwarming that is, I am also required to be more aware and responsible for my actions while on the HCG Diet.

When I cheat, I think of all the people who have sent me emails thanking me for being an example of determination for them. I dont want to let anyone down, especially the people who, like me, are struggling to change their lives. But the truth is, this diet is hard. Even I have my days where I struggle.

Lets start with last week. Ever since I broke the 200 pound mark Ive been bouncing between 195 pounds and 196 pounds. For 6 days I would  go up .4, down .8, up .6, down .3. I was getting extremely frustrated knowing I was doing everything in my power to stick to the diet yet not seeing the reward on the scale. This frustration almost made my goal to reach 170 by February 28th seem impossible. Not reaching my goal would mean missing out on a $1000 shopping spree sponsored by my work.

I woke up on Super Bowl Sunday scared that I would end up cheating at a family party that evening. Doing so would set me even further back from that already unlikely shopping incentive. Emotionally I was not in a place to combat the food temptations that would be surrounding me.

I sat there staring at my bedroom wall, in tears at the thought of disappointing anyone by cheating. Then I was struck with the overwhelming realization that I am doing this for me. I am not perfect. I am not in a hurry to lose weight. I will have days when I eat food I am not supposed to. My goal is to be healthy and HAPPY and the best way I can do that is by trying my best.

I ended up eating some seven layer dip.The next morning I had to deal with the consequences of that action when I stepped on the scale. I accepted it, and moved on by getting back on track. I want to be clear that I am not perfect when it comes to dieting. Like many, I have really bad days. I can feel completely comfortable saying that I am trying my best. I cant promise anyone that I will come out of this weight loss journey without skinned knees, but I can promise that I will never give up, even when I fall.


This week, I am in Las Vegas at a conference for work. Most of the meals are provided through the hotel as arranged by the seminar sponsors. There is so much delicious food, but Im sticking to protocol the best I can. Last night I went to the fanciest steak house Ive ever been to. While I was tempted to go for a huge steak, I went for an 8 oz sirloin and grilled asparagus. I gave half of the steak to a colleague and savored every bite of what was on my plate. For lunch I ate grilled chicken and some sort of tomato onion salad. I cant guarantee that everything is free from oil, butter, or sugar. But I am doing the best I can. This is the first time Ive ever been to Vegas and I keep reminding myself that I can experience the city without experiencing the cuisine. I have a few more days left before I go home, but I think that even eating out I can make healthy decisions.

Sometimes I think even I need a reminder that changing if I expect to change my WHOLE life, it is going to be a day by day struggle. We all have our moments when circumstances are out of our control. We all have days when mentally we cant handle anymore. Its OK to have these days, just dont let one of these bad days convince you to give up on your overall goal.

I may not end up getting my shopping spree, and thats OK. Ultimately a shopping spree isnt my priority (even though some new clothes would be fantastic). I may not reach my goal weight by the anticipated date, and thats OK too. In the end I am doing this diet to be healthy and to inspire others to do the same. Theres no rush. :)

Read More..

I CAN Do It MYSELF

I know Ive been promising this post for awhile. I dont have time to write it, but Im making time.

Through ten years of marriage, I became quite dependant on Barry. He was always the one I relied on, we always discussed major decisions and I probably was a bit too dependent. I know that now, and I knew that then too, but oh well, it was me! That was me for the longest time, and now Ive had to forge a new me.

This new me has been FORCED to become independent. There is no one else to rely on but myself. And I hate it. I despise it. I abhor being the responsible one. I dislike having to make all the major decisions. I hate this aspect of widowhood with a passion. I have made so many decisions in the last almost 5 months that I have become overwhelmed.

To add insult to injury, many things have gone wrong too, which just adds to me having to do things on my own. Like with my van. In the last couple weeks, Ive had an alignment done, the door actuators fixed, an oil change, the tires rotated, and now replaced, brakes fixed, a radiator leak fixed, and the rear bumper replaced because someone hit me. Ive grown tired of seeing my friends at Midas. Today should be the last day, my tires are getting replaced as the tread on them is pretty low. But, the van has had those tires since before we bought it three years ago, so I suppose its time to do it anyway.

But you know, I CAN do it all by MYSELF. I dont like it, but I can and am doing it. Ive bought a house on my own too! Ive handled all the van repairs on my own. Ive filled out countless forms for life insurance and death certificates. I planned the funeral and wrote the obituary (with some help I might add) and even spoke at Barrys funeral by myself.

Ive also outfitted an entire house by myself. This house stuff though has been the most stressful I think. Just the simple act of purchasing furniture has had my head spinning in all different directions. On tuesday at the furniture store, I really started to shut down towards the end. I couldnt do it anymore. I was able to pick out furniture for my living room, my bedroom, and the great room. But I spent a good 4 hours in the Macys store! Thats all done though, finally. Wednesday afternoon I went to another store and picked out my book shelves and TV stand, and a clock. I could feel myself shutting down again though, so I decided enough was enough and left. Tomorrow the kids and I are going back there to pick out V and Es beds and dressers, and As dresser, and my computer desk. After that, we will head to Sleep Country to get mine and V and Es mattresses. I still have to get minor things like dishes and some decor items, but the major stuff is done...except for a Piano. That can wait. Today I even picked out all my blinds for the new house, by MYSELF. I didnt even have my Realtor help, haha. I made all the decisions with the vendor, by MYSELF. Can I share a secret though? if I could, I would have hired an interior decorator/design person to do it all for me.

I can pack an entire house by myself. I can move into a new house by myself. I can pick out furniture and bedding and all that by myself. I can handle van repairs by myself. I can de-clutter a house by myself. I can make all the important decisions, like the kids changing schools, and where A will go to pre-school by myself. I can decide that its not a good idea for us to go to DC/PA, but that it is a good idea for us to go to Disneyland, by myself. And I can go to a movie tonight by myself...first time for everything, right?

I have often found myself wondering what would Barry think of all this? Would he like the decisions Ive made, would he like what I have picked out? But then I have to remind myself that while I value his opinion, hes dead. Hes not here anymore, and I cant constantly base my decisions on what he would have done. Im alone now, and though hes with me in my heart, and in my mind, hes not here in person for me to rely on. I cant ask him what he thinks of this piece of furniture, or that one, or what bed to get the girls, what tires I should get on the van, Ive had to do it by myself. Its a bit freeing though, to be completely honest, knowing that I CAN pick and choose what I want and not worry if he would like it or not. I had all these ideas of what I wanted to buy for my new house, the colors and all that stuff too, and when I went to pick it out, I went completely opposite of what I had in mind. Its so different from what we would have picked out together, but I think thats good in a way. Most of our stuff is being replaced, but the one piece I am keeping in the house, which doesnt even match my new kitchen all that well, is the table and chairs we bought a year ago. He and M put it together, and while it doesnt match my cabinets, that doesnt matter...he put it together. His hands pieced it together with the help of our son, and it will stay in my kitchen as our family table for a very long time.

Barry would be proud of me, proud of all the decisions Ive made on my own. He would say "I knew you could do it Joanna, and I am so proud of you! I always told you you could do it on your own, you never needed me to make all the decisions".

Ill tell you though, I am amazed that I have done it all by myself. Ive wanted to crawl into a ball and rock myself sometimes due to all the stress, but I havent. I will keep on keepin on, and get through this. Things will settle down eventually, the stress will dissipate and I will continue to do things on my own. I will develop a stronger skin, I will become even more independent than I already am, and I will get through it.

One day at a time, I can do it by myself.

Read More..

Well We Did It

It is so incredibly hard to believe that five months have already passed since we said goodbye to my husband, my best friend, the kids daddy. Five long months.

Five months ago I never thought I would get through these five months. I was prepared for it to be the worst five months of my life, and it most certainly was. You see, from October through till March, we have most of the important dates for our family. I desperately wish I could include Es birthday in this timeline, but unfortunately her actual birthday was two days before he died, so we have to overcome that hurdle yet.

The day he died was Es birthday party. After that we had Halloween, which is a FAVORITE family holiday. Then we had Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving in itself has not always had a big emphasis in our family, but this past thanksgiving was exceptionally hard. My very good friend Rebecca invited us over to her home, and while I love and appreciate her, it was so hard to see all the married ladies there. It was just us girls, but I was the only official "single" one, and all their husbands were deployed. So it was a very hard day for me. Then came Christmas, which I dont even want to talk about. Our Anniversary was December 29th, and that day was OK. It was sad most definitely, but not as bad as I thought it would be. The next hardest day, probably one of the hardest days for me, was New Years Eve. I remember how hard it was for me, leaving him behind in 2009 and starting 2010 without him, and I desperately did NOT want the new year to start. On the other hand, I wanted New Years Eve to pass as quickly as possible because I was just tired of the day...it dragged on and on and on.

After that, we had a bit of a reprieve in January, thankfully, and that was when I really started scheduling myself and making sure I was busy all the time. I actually burnt myself out. And though we had a reprieve from bad days in January, I had a really rough month emotionally, physically and mentally. Ive heard mixed opinions on how rough the 3d month is, and it really was for me. February 7th brought us the twins birthdays, thankfully the only day that month that we had a sort of "anniversary.

And now we have March. March, like October and December, will always be one of our hardest months. March 2nd was the day we lost my Opa in 1997, and I think of him often. How much i have wished that he could have met Barry and the kids. March 6th is Barrys birthday, and March 7th is my sister and our youngest daughters birthday. Thankfully after tomorrow, we will have passed through the first five months of agony.

I have come so far in five months, further than I thought I ever would. I have become so much more independent than I thought, so much so that I have trouble asking for help now. But I am still desperately grieving, and desperately missing Barry every day. My mom sent me a letter and I read it today and cried. She wrote about the day that A was born and how gentle he was the first night, and first few days, and I cried and cried and cried. Memories are so hard, I try so hard not to remember sometimes because its so hard.

I am glad that I can proudly say that I DID IT! I made it through the first 5 months, and accomplished that which I never thought I would. And right now we have so much to look forward to in the next couple months with our new house and house warming party. I am so excited for this new house, new things. New memories, new beginnings and a new start.

I still miss you Barry, and I will see you in my dreams. Ill love you forever and always.

Read More..