Reality Is A Cruel Bitch

Dont you agree?

This morning I heard the familiar sounds of air brakes, and my heart started beating faster with excitement, pitter patter pitter patter.. I knew it wasnt Barry, but I couldnt help myself, and went outside to look and see what it was. Just a truck at the neighbors house. Though my mind knew, my heart was still slightly crushed.

Unfortunately, the dog also heard it. Braddock loves Barry, and is used to him being gone. As soon as he heard them, he started whining and crying. You never really think of the pets in this sort of situation, but he knows. Braddock has known that sound for a very long time, since early 2004. Air brakes by the house means Daddy is home.

But now hes not.

I still havent full accepted Barrys death. Why? I dont know. I just dont know how to fully comprehend it. Wrapping my mind around it is such a foreign concept to me and I still dont understand. And Im not sure when I will. My mind does know, but my heart does not. I think that had Barry had a job where he was home all the time, this would be an easier transition. His job was a blessing, and a curse in disguise. So yes, were used to him being gone which helps with day to day life, but again, were also used to him being gone, so it doesnt seem real.

As I am typing this, the dog heard the truck outside start up again, and he is barking like mad. He thinks Barry is home. He is conditioned, like Pavlovs theory of Classical Conditioning.

On a bit of a happier note, I decided that this year the kids and I would adopt two children from the Salvation Army Angel Tree. You can pick an angel in your area, and either have the items shipped to the Salvation Army in their name, or drop it off at a local location. Ill be dropping them off at a local Salvation Army center.

I just felt really called to do this. Everyone has been so good to us, that I just wanted to make someone elses Christmas a little brighter. I have wanted to do this in the past, but we could never spare the money. This year I decided I would make sure I did. Please consider doing so if you can spare some, even $50 to go buy an outfit and some toys. I assure you it would really really help some parents give their children a Christmas that they cant otherwise afford.

I did have another, completely different, idea for todays post, but that will have to wait. I just felt it was more important to talk about what the dog was going through.

Pets grieve too.

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How Long Will It Be

I started writing this post over an hour ago, and I am just now getting to it. I am slow tonight! I had a few emails to catch up on, a thank you note to write, facebook to check. Lots to do! I wasnt planning on writing tonight, because frankly, I just cant do the grief thing day in and day out. I do know that thats why youre here, because it makes for a good read. And thats totally ok with me, please just be aware that I wont be "grief blogging" every day. I would say the majority of my posts will be about grief, but Ive still got that Advent Calendar post to publish.

Anyway...

Today the youngest was very tired and overwhelmed. We were cleaning the house all day, and she didnt get a nap in. Naps arent the norm for her, but once in awhile she will still take one. During one of her cranky fits, she was crying and crying and said "I want my daddy".

Just imagine me letting out the biggest sigh ever. The weight of the world on my shoulders.

All I can do for her is say "I know", and give her a hug and a kiss.

I dont know how to handle these types of instances. I know she is young, but how long will it be till she stops asking about him? All the kids have known is having Daddy gone for work, he started Trucking when the twins were just over a year old. And while he had a local trucking job for awhile, they were just 2-3, and E at the time was just brand new, and 1.5 when he started with his current job (well, it was his current job). So all the kids are used to him being gone, but the older three understand more. She doesnt. I want her to ask, I dont want her to stop asking, but I dont know how to explain to her about what happened, over and over and over. My usual response is something along the lines of: "Daddys heart was sick, and the doctors couldnt fix it, and then daddy died. Now he lives in our hearts and we can talk to him any time we want" etc etc.

I thought ahead to Christmas, and her birthday, and wondered if shes going to ask about him then. Why does she have to be so used to him being gone? Why did his job have to be such a curse and a blessing that way? I cant help but wonder if she will forget him. I dont want her to forget! I am scared she will stop asking about him, and forget he existed, because she is so young. I know that it is our duty to keep him alive for her, to relay memories and tell stories, look at pictures and watch the few videos we have. And sadly, that is all we have now, whatever exists in our hearts and our heads, the jpgs in the computer and the few videos I have wandering somewhere around the house.

And if she does ask, what the hell am I going to say? How do I explain to her that daddy can never come back? It breaks my heart to break hers. How can I tell her that No, daddy isnt working, he died and now he lives in our hearts? As I said earlier, she is used to him being gone, she doesnt get the finality of the situation.

I just dont know what to do!

And while I am on the topic of grieving, I am wondering how to handle day to day life with the kids. I feel like we arent grieving. OK, maybe we are, I know we all are, but around each other, we dont so much. I rarely cry in front of the kids. The boy doesnt like to talk about his feelings. V, the oldest, is always saying how much she misses him and does cry...she shows her grief the most. E, the middle child, is a lot like the boy and doesnt show her feelings very well.

It feels like were just going through the motions of day to day life as usual. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Is it bad that this is our life, having him gone all the time, and bad that were used to it? I will be bringing this up at our next grief support group, because I think that some of the other parents can give me some insight on this. I personally, do not know what to do, because I want us to miss him, I want us to cry and be sad, but it seems like we just dont know how because we are so used to him being gone.

I know for a fact that I have trouble grieving in front of the kids. I do cry occasionally in front of them, and I know they have heard me at night getting upset and crying, but I feel like I have to put on a front for them and just be the strong mommy. The grieving wife side of me doesnt get to come out usually unless I am by myself at night, or during the day if all the kids are gone at friends houses or school.

Does anyone have any ideas? I know youre all reading, so comment already :)

Its hard to believe Ive been a widow for almost 7 weeks. It will be 7 weeks on Saturday.

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