A Tale of Two Birthday Cards

The Twins will be 9 on Monday. 9 years old already, I cant believe it.

While I was out today, I stopped by Target to get a few things. I realized then that I had to get the presents today, or else Im screwed. We have a busy weekend ahead of us. I was all ready to check out, with my cart full of presents, power ade and other random useless crap you always pick up at Target, when I realized I had forgotten to get the twins their birthday cards. I will be honest, and admit that I forgot their birthday was coming up until they reminded me early this week. How could I forget? Easily enough, weve been so wrapped up with everything else that I plum forgot until they reminded me.

I ran over to the card section, and picked out two plain Jane cards for 9 year olds. I put them back though, because I felt they werent personal enough. In the aisle with me was a woman who was the card vendor, and I asked her where the cards were from "Mommy and Daddy", she pointed me in the right direction, and I just couldnt buy a card from "Mommy and Daddy". It was too hard. I picked up a card for each of them, that was "for my son/daughter love mom".

And wouldnt you know, I started sobbing in the card aisle. Right in the middle of target, I was crying because of birthday cards. I was crying because of Barry dying. I was crying because I was thinking I couldnt sign the cards "Love Mommy and Daddy" anymore. I still will though, I will ALWAYS sign the cards that way, no matter what type of card it is.

I think that Monday will be a hard day, it will be the very first birthday we are celebrating without Barry. He died the day of Es 7th birthday party, but he was still alive on her birthday. He even wrote in her birthday card, "Happy Birthday Sweetheart, Love Daddy". I insisted he do that the day he was extubated, because we knew he would not be present at her birthday party. Barry wasnt always present at the kids birthdays, he missed occasional birthdays and parties because of his work schedule. We tried to avoid it as much as possible, but sometimes it was inevitable.

I am sad that we actually have to celebrate this first birthday without him. Its not like hes working, hes actually DEAD. Why? I am overwhelmed to be completely honest. I dont know how I will handle the party. I might have to ask a couple of the moms to stay and help, because I have never done a big party like this without him. Last year we did a combined birthday for the twins at a local bowling alley, but he was there to help.

This year I decided that all the kids would have awesome birthday parties. I booked the twins at a local gymnastics gym, and well have close to 20 kids there I think? If all the kids invited come, then we will have 22 with all of mine! On Monday I am going to take all the kids out to a local pizza buffet we like for dinner, they are stoked and cant wait to go.

Hopefully Monday will be OK for us. I hope we dont cry too much, or that I dont cry too much, remembering with love, the family member that is now missing from our lives on that most important day.

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Four Days And Counting

Well, moving day is certainly creeping up on me, were at four days and counting till the BIG DAY!!

It kind of hit the kids and I this morning at breakfast. Suddenly there was excitement in the air at breakfast, little whispers and squeals about moving in four days. Questions about when their beds would be taken apart, and how would we pack all the rest of the stuff. I really have confidence that the packing will be done by Friday morning. There isnt that much left at all to do, especially since I have thrown away SO much stuff. I have filled up our household size dumpster 3 times. Yes, you read that right, THREE times! I still have it and will keep it for another couple weeks because there will be residual stuff left here, including some dressers I have to demolish yet.

I cant believe that this journey I started back in January is almost done. This house was the 2nd house I looked at, but I didnt want to put an offer on it because I was set on having bigger bedrooms. But after many failed showings, the houses just not being right for us, my realtor surprised me Feb 11th and brought us back one time. I was feeling defeated at this point, as a house I had put an offer on had fallen through because the seller filed bankruptcy, so when we went to look at it again, I put an offer on it. The offer was accepted and the house was mine on February 12th. And now I am so incredibly excited. This gorgeous house is mine, I can call it mine and do what I want to it.

Tomorrow starts the flurry of deliveries and appointments. I am so excited to see all the stuff I bought put into their rightful spots, and I most certainly can NOT wait to show pictures of everything!! I have deliveries scheduled for Tuesday, Wednesday, and Saturday. We are all so excited to have our stuff in the house.

I am a little afraid of Thursday night. It will be our very last night sleeping in this house, the very same way Barry left it...despite all the chaos with boxes in it. There will never be another night in this house again, never another night with my bed set up the way he did it. As much as I dont like living here, I will miss it because it was our last home with Barry. I know this wouldnt be a forever home, as it is older and just a rental, we would have moved eventually regardless of what happened (as we were planning on moving to PA this summer), but it is still going to be an emotional time for us. I dont know if it will hit me so much on Thursday, but perhaps Thursday night as I lay down. And most definitely Friday when the movers take away everything. Whats funny is that the house wont even be empty when the movers leave, as I have Habitat for Humanity coming next Wednesday to pick up all the old furniture. Perhaps it will really hit me on Friday night as I lay down for the first night in my new house, but only time will tell.

Honestly, my biggest fear is that he wont come with us to the new house. I am scared I wont feel his presence there, surrounding us with his love. I can feel him here from time to time, I know hes watching over us. I just want him to come with us, to move to the new house with us. Or perhaps hell haunt and terrorize the new tenants...hahaha. Thats so him too ;-) I really do just want him to come with us, and help make our new home a peaceful home as well.

Back to packing!

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On Being Vulnerable

Becoming a widow is probably one of the most devastating things that can happen to a woman, apart from losing a child, which I hope to never experience, as I am sure that would break me even more so than I already am.

It is raw. It is like being punched in the gut repeatedly. It is like getting your heart torn out while its still beating. And it makes you vulnerable. Oh does it ever make you vulnerable.

Im so afraid of this new label and what it means to me, how it defines me. Ill be completely honest, I am afraid to tell people I am a widow. Yes, I am a widow; My husband died in my arms and I will forever carry that heartache, but I dont want to be thought of as just a widow. It is me, yet it is not me. It is not all that I am, and it is not all encompassing. But I really am afraid of what people will think of me when they find out I am a widow, that they will have these pre-conceived notions of how I should be, act and do.

It really shouldnt matter to me what people think about me and my situation. Really, the only persons whose opinion matters is my own, but why am I so ashamed of me? Why am I scared of this label?

I met someone the other day who I didnt want to tell about my situation. I was afraid to tell the truth. See, I can tell people I am a widow. Hell, it says so on my twitter page and on my face book page that I am a widow. But I dont like to share the details of the past five months ago, or the fact that it was even five months ago. But my blog was found, and the whole five months of blog entries were read. I wasnt hiding it, but I wasnt exactly advertising it either. And you know what? Im am OK with that. In fact, I feel like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders because I dont have to hide anymore. I can be ME, I can cry and not be afraid of what will be thought of me. I can be open, and I can talk about it, and I dont have to stress about it anymore. I so very, very much appreciate the thoughtfulness and caring attitude I got after my blog was read, especially since I was so scared of the response I would get (yes, I know Im very public with it, but what can I say, Im a conundrum!).

I dont even know where I was going with this blog post. I feel like its all jumbled up. I was tired, and I wrote this off and on while watching "New Moon". I guess what I am really trying to say is that while its a very scary thing to be vulnerable, sometimes it is perfectly acceptable to be that way. I learned today that it is OK to be open with my feelings, and not worry what others will think about me. I think I have to learn to be more open, because if I am not, then it just eats away at me. Knowing I can tell the truth and not be judged is an awesome feeling. Just awesome.

And I just have to say, thank you to this person for making me realize that. I appreciate it more than you will ever know. Thank you for helping me overcome this hurdle without even knowing you did so.

Honesty really is the best policy.

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Being Sad

It hits you at the oddest times.

Ive found that in the last few months, even when I think Im doing ok, that Im really not. Its not even being sad about Barry, but perhaps something else is really eating at me, and I dont know it.

Those are the times when I just want to curl into a ball and cry, and yell and scream about how unfair life is.

And then though I may not realize it, Barrys death is still affecting me, and affects my moods. Like last night I was having an OK day up until last night, and then something really started to bother me a lot. I just tried to push it away as best as I could, but by the time I finally crashed and went to bed, I was emotionally exhausted and landed up crying myself to sleep.

I was talking to him when I went to bed last night, and I was ANGRY. So Angry at him for leaving. I was asking him WHY did he have to leave, and if he was back my life would be so much easier. I would give up everything to have him back.

This Evanescence song reminds me so much of Barry. I feel him here with me, but at times I wish he would just leave me alone so I could move on. I want him here, but his presence lingers on and on and on. I cant turn a corner in this house without a reminder of him. And its HARD, so HARD that I cant do anything in this house without seeing him or having a reminder of him.


"My Immortal"

Im so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it wont leave me alone

These wounds wont seem to heal
This pain is just too real
Theres just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried Id wipe away all of your tears
When youd scream Id fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now Im bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds wont seem to heal
This pain is just too real
Theres just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

Ive tried so hard to tell myself that youre gone
But though youre still with me
Ive been alone all along

[Chorus]

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