Running!!!

So, I may have mentioned in my last blog post that I was going to take up running.  I did day one on September 13th, the day A started Pre-K.

I have kept up with it, and this week started my second week.  Day one I completed yesterday.  The running was upped 30 seconds each time, so it was a bit of an adjustment.  I know I will get used to it though.  And I am LOVING it!! I love running.

It exhausts me, it makes me sweat, it makes me breathe heavy, it makes me sore, it makes me want to give up, but I keep plodding away as my feet hit the pavement. It is so hard sometimes to keep pushing myself, to make myself keep going just a little further till I hear that familiar bell on the iPod touch telling me it is time to walk again.  But the fact of the matter is, I still do it, and I still push myself.

I have lost 10lbs since I started running.  Yes, you read that right, 10 pounds in a week.  I havent changed too much of my eating habits, but I have cut out a lot of sweets.  Ok, I take that back, last night I ate a huge king size snickers bar, and at the Mariners game last Friday I pigged out on hot tamales, and had McDonalds for dinner.  But seeing as I rarely buy candy bars, I figured it was ok.  A treat once in awhile is ok, and as long as I dont keep them in the house, Im not tempted to eat them.

Yesterday at my MOPS group, one of my good friends Angela commented that she didnt even recognize me.  She hasnt seen me since the beginning of june, so I guess I changed even over the summer.  WOW!! (Angela  was not at the hospital when Barry died, but came to the house that afternoon, and she lives an hour away, and cooked us all dinner, staying for hours along with a few other girlfriends of mine.  She helped orchestrate a lot of the meals we got through my MOPS group, helped with food at the funeral etc etc.  She was wonderful and Ill forever love her for that).

I am absolutely loving the fact that this weight is pouring off of me.  It makes me want to work harder.  I was looking at a picture of myself the other day, and I was amazed how different I look compared to a year ago.  Perhaps I will share that one day...I look like a completely different person.  I was reflecting on that, and thinking how much Barry would just love how I looked right now.  He loved me at this size...he wouldnt be able to keep his hands off me ;) (now, and years ago when I was this size before I gained all the weight).  I wish Barry could enjoy this new body of mine.  I do know that he can see me, and is still around though, because I saw an orb hovering over me in a picture I took the other night.  It was plain as the nose on my face, just sitting there above my left shoulder.

Speaking of seeing the orbs...I really am not so sure how I feel about that. It makes me so happy to know that he is still around, and gives me a sense of comfort knowing he is watching over us.  But on the other hand, it makes me sad.  That being because he is STILL here, and I cant see, feel, or hear him.  Am I supposed to be content knowing that he is?  I wonder if he is shaking his head at me, all this new stuff I am doing, all the new experiences we are having.  Would he be happy I bought the house? Bought a new 2011 Honda Pilot? Hed probably tell me to stop sitting around and "go clean his house" lol.  Either way, I guess it is a big comfort knowing he is sticking around.  He always did say he would come back to haunt me.  And that he did, but in a good way.  Just wait, Ill now have some really creepy experience to blog about soon because I jinxed myself haha.

Two weeks from today, I will be in Florida.  We leave in 13 days!!! So with that, I say goodbye today, because I have a million things to do.  No running today, as my shins are a bit sore and I dont want to over-do it (Ill probably hit the elliptical later).  Errands, errands and more errands today. Plus...I NEED to start packing.

I am sure youre all wondering...yes, I am taking the lap top with me to Florida.  Ive figured out how to tether my blackberry to my laptop so I will have internet access to blog.  Speaking of that...tell me WHY in 2010 do hotels not have WiFi? Especially at Disney World? WHY????????

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Angry Bitter Pissed Off Weepy Jealous Infuriated

That title explains some of my emotions over the last week or so.

Ive been so angry lately, just full of raw emotions that my week has been a whirlwind.  I dont know what set me off last weekend, I suppose it was a number of things, but its continued to multiply all week until last night was the breaking point for me.

This is all part of the grief cycle, I know that, but when it hit me so hard, I was completely taken aback by the rush of emotion I felt.

The big issue for me right now is my anger at being a single mom, my bitterness at seeing couples together.  And especially at women who take their husbands for granted.  And for part of last night too, I was very angry at Barry for leaving me.  I really feel like I am hitting the anger stage in my grief cycle.  Im angry at everyone around me for having what I do not. Ive been struggling with all of these this whole past week and I just cant seem to get over it. Today is the first good day Ive had in awhile.  I suppose that is due to the complete break down I had yesterday afternoon.

I was at a local wildlife park with the kids, and we were having a wonderful day together.  We ate out, we had ice cream, we saw bears and cougars, foxes, wolves, moose, bison, elk, owls, etc etc, and just really enjoyed ourselves.  But then I started noticing all these couples together and started to get really sad. I missed Barry so much.  And I was ANGRY.  and JEALOUS.  I will be completely honest and say I abhor seeing couples together.  It makes me want to poke them with hot rusty sticks, or else scratch my eyes out. Yep, thats pretty graphic, but its true.  Im so bitter about my situation, I hate being  a single mom. I hate seeing women take their men for granted because I would gladly take one in a heartbeat.

As soon as we got back in the truck to get home, I started getting weepy.  It didnt stop, it was like a slow leak.  We stopped at Safeway because we had almost no food in the house, shopped for an hour, got home and got the groceries inside.  And then the waterworks started. I just started crying and crying and crying.  Thankfully the kids were outside for that.  I was just a fucking mess. I had tears pouring off my face.  And having no tissue handy at that moment, I resorted to using a dish towel to blow my nose on several times.

I knew I had to have company last night, so I texted Jason. And he was busy.  I called Rebecca, which I felt really guilty about because her husband just got back from Iraq a few days ago, but she didnt answer her phone either (which I can understand).  I called Lani, who answered thankfully and listened to me sob, and then promised to come over and drink with me later.  I managed to calm down a bit enough to feed the kids dinner, but I was still a weepy, tear leaking mess.  As soon as the kids went to bed, the water works started again.  At 10PM I was just sobbing in the kitchen.  again. But then Lani never showed up, and never answered her phone either this morning when I called. So I was depressed, drinking and alone last night when I desperately needed company.  My saving grace was a very dear twitter friend of mine who shall remain nameless, whom I also talk to on bbm (blackberry messenger) a lot. We were able to talk for quite some time over bbm late, last night and I was able to catch my breath, calm down, and even laugh a bit.  I really really needed that, so if you are reading this, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Yesterday I probably cried or leaked tears for almost 7 hours if not more. I also cried a lot over the last week and a half. I think Ive cried buckets worth. By the time I was done, my head was pounding, I had drank a bit (which I know did not help), and my face was red. I also cried off about three coats of waterproof mascara.  Yes, three coats.  Thats a hell of a lot of crying you know.   And today I feel much better. I needed that release.  The only way Ive been able to keep that from happening is to block everything out of my mind.  To forget, and just go about my daily life.  I think that it is time to stop that though, because when I block things out, the dam will burst like it did.  It is the only way I know how to function though most of the time.

Im still sad, Im still bitter and angry, jealous and infuriated.  But this whole week has made me realize that I am ready to go see a counselor.  I was not ready before, but I am now.  I am ready to talk to someone.  Im glad about that because we are almost at the one  year mark....wow really? One year.  That amazes me.

PS...today the older girls are at a birthday party.  Last year this same day they were at the same girls birthday party.  Barry was home.  The weather was the same as today, cloudy and a little cool.  After he and I dropped the girls off at their friends house, we took M and A to Burger King for lunch.  Thats all I remember about this day last year.  He had two more days at home with us then, before he went back to work.  That was one of his last times at home.  I miss him so much.

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