The Story of How You Died

To all my wonderful readers, friends and family.

I cant do it, and I am sorry.  I know I promised you all that I would write the story of how Barry passed, but I cant.  I started to write it October 4th, and managed to get up to the point where it started to go downhill, but I cant write the rest.

I am scared, and the mere thought of writing it makes my heart race.  I am just not ready.  I can recall everything in my head down to the last minute detail, but the actual task of really making myself recall everything wont be happening.  I know its partly because I dont want to break down, I dont want to cry right now, I just dont want to.  I will do it eventually for the kids.  I also got to thinking that maybe I shouldnt spill Barrys secrets on the internet.  He was a very private person, and I just think maybe I should keep this for the family.  Im not trying to use that as a cop out, I promise.  I just really dont want to portray him in any other light than what he deserves...

An amazing husband and father, and not the sickest patient at our hospital.

I will write my final "Dear Barry" letter tomorrow night.  I wanted to do it at 11:11AM, but Im going to be out all day.  Im getting a pedicure with my girlfriend, going out for tea after lunch with another girlfriend, and then taking the kids out to Barrys favorite restaurant for dinner.  Trying to keep as busy as possible.

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Good News!!!

I dont have much to say today...Id just rather avoid what today was, and that was the last full day my husband was alive two years ago.  Less than 24 hours after I originally posted this, I was a widow.  more like 18 hours.  I had no idea what was to become my life...

Friday, October 09, 2009

Good News!!!

Today my husband was released from the ICU/CCU into a regular room. I was able to help him move, which was really nice as I got to say goodbye to all the nurses and the RTs. I plan to send them a thank you note, as they really helped me out this week.
We expect him to be released monday or tuesday morning! Isnt that great news? Hes on antibiotics intravenously, but tomorrow they are going to try tablet form. And his O2 levels arent quite good yet, so that is why hes staying a few more days.
He was very alert this morning and finally recognized me and was able to to hold a conversation. I am thankful for that, because as the morning went by, he got really cranky, rude, belligerent etc etc. It was really really hard for me to be pleasant with him because of his attitude. I think he was still very confused because of all the sedatives he had been on for so long. He even told me he didnt want me to come visit again.
Then I decided it was time for me to leave before I got too frustrated with him, and the situation got worse.
Today there was a thing going on at the kids school, so I thought I could go to that before going home, but figured Id just take time to myself. My mom was there with them, so I figured they would be ok without me. I went to McDonalds and had a hamburger and fries and sat and read my book for a while. I then headed across the street to Safeway and did some grocery shopping for the next couple days. It was so refreshing to get some time alone.I was able to get a hold of him later on after he had eaten and taken a little nap, and he was much more pleasant. Im going to go visit himfor a while tonight, and then tomorrow morning. Today has been one of the worst days for me, apart from Tuesday, because I was just hoping that he would be nicer. I was sad that he was so irritable. Ive spent so much time at the hospital, 8+ hours a day when he was on the respirator, and it was so much easier to deal with him. I could wash him up, rub his feet, talk to him, help the nurses etc etc. Now I feel like Im not needed anymore and he doesnt want me there.
Im just happy that were almost done with this. Hopefully he will get back to his old self really soon because I just dont know how much more of this I can handle.
I also want to say how thankful I am for the outpouring of support I have received. Especially from some of my friends, my meetup group and the kids school. They have really blessed us and I dont think I could say thank you enough. I have received some gift cards for meals, and I have meals being delivered next week as well. It is such a relief not to have to worry about meals for the next week. Thank you everyone for helping!

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