Another Update

Today Ive been ok...completely different from yesterday when I was balling my eyes out first thing in the morning.  My mom is here for Es 9th birthday this weekend, and thankfully the party business has helped keep my mind off Barry.

I try to avoid thoughts of him...or should I say, I try to avoid thoughts of this weekend.  There are too many painful memories, and if I dont block it out, I find myself thinking about it constantly.  What was I doing this time, how was Barry, etc etc etc.  Its a vicious cycle.

I know I said I would write "the story of how you died"...but Ive barely started.  I cant do it yet, Im avoiding it.  I will have to write it the night of the 9th I think after the kids go to bed because its just too painful for me to visit right now.  I need to get through tomorrow.  I have to.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Another Update

Ive been at the hospital a million times in the last few days it seems.
I wasnt able to go today till after lunch, as I had a dental appointment this morning and the kids school had late start.
So hes doing ok, a little better than yesterday. His O2 levels were 100% yesterday in the morning, and theyve slowly been lowering them to 60%. He is still on the respirator, has a feeding tube, and all that other stuff.
Today he was really agitated and kept trying to write something. he was making the motion with his right hand that he wanted a pen. I kept telling him no, and he kept getting upset. He was also trying to talk to me, and lift his head. So the had to sedate him more because he was getting too upset. I told him to blink twice if he loved me, and he did. <3 He looked at me too, and recognized me, so that gave me great comfort. I was able to calm him down a few times, but at one point his heart rate went up to 200.
Right now i dont know whats going to happen. Were all hoping for the best, and he is on the road to improvement it seems, but he is still very very sick.
I dont have anything much to post, but perhaps tonight I will have more information.
My mom is here, so I can stay long tonight if I want. Im going back tomorrow for the morning. And then tomorrow night. Over, and over and over again. Its a routine now, and i feel very friendly with the nurses, lol.
Im sorry if I dont seem distraught, upset, whatever. Im just plugging away at it and trying to keep my head up for him and the kids. Sometimes I just need a break from the hospital. Im sure he understands, I cant stay there all the time. Im still scared, and I miss him desperately. I really really miss him. I just wish I could feel him hug me and kiss me. 
m sorry if I dont seem distraught, upset, whatever. Im just plugging away at it and trying to keep my head up for him and the kids. Sometimes I just need a break from the hospital. Im sure he understands, I cant stay there all the time. Im still scared, and I miss him desperately. I really really miss him. I just wish I could feel him hug me and kiss me. Honestly, Im kind of running on auto pilot now. My appetite is almost non-existant, Ive had just yogurt and a banana today with a glass of milk. Im just not hungry. Ive lost weight already, I weighed myself last night and I was down a few pounds in just a couple days. I have managed to eat dinner, last night a friend brought us some delicious spaghetti. its just nice not having to cook. Someone else is bringing us dinner again tonight. If anyone I know is reading this, then dinner would be most welcome next week. I know you all told me to ask, so here I am asking! Please call and ask. Or if someone can watch our youngest during the day, I would love it.
This morning I found some photo paper that I had, and printed off some photos for him to tape up on his wall. I thought he would like to have some of us that he could look at once he is feeling somewhat better.
Until later...

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

This Gets Old Fast

No news yet. Nothing has really changed except they have lowered his O2 levels to 50%, which is good. But his blood gas still isnt high enough. Maybe theyll try get him off the respirator tomorrow, but they dont know.
people keep asking me if hes going to get better and I just dont know. I dont have any answers and Im tired of getting asked that question. I understand everyone wants to know, and this is just a normal response, but I just dont have the answers. please dont be offended if youre one of those who asks me, its just that as a whole, I really hate it. If anyone wants answers, its me.
He was responsive again, and was able to communicate with me a bit by hand squeezes, blinks and head nods.
Im tired of this hospital routine and its only been 4 days, almost 5. Its physically, emotionally and mentally exhausting. I know he wants me and needs me there, but I can only handle a couple visits a day. I usually go in the morning and late at night. Its ok to do this, right? He knows I love him, and Id do anything...I just need a break from it all.
Im so testy lately with other people, I cant tolerate idiots  so today at the grocery store I saw some woman park her car maybe two feet in the parking spot, and the rest on the "aisle", so I wrote her a note and stuck it on her windshield telling her to learn how to park. I just cant stand stupid people right now, and Im tired of being asked questions all the time.
Right now Im just trying to get through the weekend. I will have to deal with a whole new routine on Monday because its half days all week, and mom wont be here. I have to rely on friends again to help out with childcare. Im scared I wont be able to find someone to help me with the kids, even though some people said they would. I know I cant go to the hospital from 1PM till the kids are in bed, so I need someone from 9AM till 12/1PM, and then 8/9 PM till 11PM.
I miss my husband so much. I hate seeing him like this. I need him to get better. I just need a hug from him

Read More..

Some News

Today was our daughters 9th Birthday.  My mom was here again, like she was two years ago, and we threw an amazing party for her.  And I am so exhausted!  My feet hurt from barely sitting down all day.  Im seriously pooped.

Two years ago today, Barry was extubated.  I remember that day, he was a surly grouch.  Called me some choice names, and himself the Master of The Universe!

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Some News

sorry if this is just one liners and not complete paragraphs. Today has just been so exhausting for me.
Called the ICU this morning to make sure it was ok to visit, so I did and went at about 9:30. Stayed till 1:30. They kept checking his blood gas and O2 levels to see any improvement and there was some.
The nurse told me he wasnt ready to come off the vent, but then the RT (Respitory Therapist) said that the Dr had ordered a "test", so technically he had been off the vent from 8AM and was doing all the breathing on his own. That was great! Also, on the vent his O2 levels had been brought down to 40%, which is what they wanted him to beable to maintain.
So, Dr comes around again and tells us at noon or so they can try to extubate him. They did, everything went ok and hes been off the vent since noon today, so almost 12 hours.
He is taking a really, really, really long time to come around. He was very confused today. And very feisty. And EXTREMELY surly. I finally had to leave at 1:30 because his attitude was just too much for me. To give you an example, when I asked him what my name was, he called me Bitch. lol. It doesnt bother me, I thought it quite comical. When they took out his Art line (artery line), Colleen, his nurse, was holding his wrist really really tightly to get him to clot because it was in an artery. So he told her to stop squeezing him so hard or hed break her arm. Oh, and the language we heard was quite colorful, to say the least. See the surliness? thats quite normal apparently.
One funny thing was that when I asked him what his name was, he said in a drunken voice, "Master Of The Universe". HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Im still laughing at that one.
So I went home and came back about 6 hours later, and just got home again. I spent about 7-8 hours at the hospital today. I would have stayed longer today, but he was still just exhausted and not really making much sense, so I figured Id just go home.
The RT was there tonight (there is a new one every day it seems) and as I was leaving, she told me she was going to put a Bpap or Cpap, one of those two on him, to help him sleep. He might have some sleep apnea, and they just want him to get a good sleep. Hes seriously been sleeping for almost 12 hours straight not being on any sedation. But he sleeps like that all the time anyway, and will sleep for a day if you let him.
Dont give me any crap for saying this, but the sound of him snoring was so annoying. It was much quieter with him on the vent. And it doesnt help that his attitude wasnt very good either, so even though I do know he cant help it, I was still slightly annoyed.
Tomorrow should be better, and hell be more alert. Looks like hell still be in the ICU/CCU for another day or even more. There are no empty beds upstairs and they will just keep him where hes at.
Oh, and his O2 levels are ok, but not superb yet, so he still has a lot of recovery time ahead of him. At least he is breathing room air though.
So thats my update! Now to go to bed and get some sleep myself. IN the morning mom and I are heading to JoAnn to get my sewing machine, and then Ill head back to the hospital to hopefully find a more awake and cheerful husband.

Read More..