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Sabtu, 16 April 2016

This isnt your first rendezvous for the HCG Diet. You know what youre doing. But for some reason, every once in awhile your weight loss seems to slow or stall. And that is frustrating, even for an HCG Diet veterans like you and me.

 We like to think we know what were doing, weve read Pounds and Inches, weve gone through every page of the guidebook, and maybe even got our hands on Lose 50 Pounds Guaranteed, but somehow even us veteran HCG Dieters miss details that could be slowing down our weight loss. 

Here are 4 things that may be ruining your HCG Diet:

Not Measuring
OK, lets be honest after our second or third week on the diet we lose interest in measuring everything we eat, at least I did. However, trust me when I say you need to measure, no matter what. The thing is, we think we know what 3.5 ounces of meat looks like but its easy to add an extra ounce and sometimes even two. Those extra ounces add up to extra calories and they can be slowing down your weight loss. So do it a night ahead or pack a food scale in your purse. This is one fine detail that when skipped adds up over time.

Over Compensating
Have you ever eaten something you were supposed to and thought, "I can fix this, Ill just do a Cali Kicker, some sit-ups, take green coffee, go for a walk, take my appetite control, and cut back on dinner." Im guilty of that train of thought. But you dont need to freak out like that. Just get back on track at your next meal and let your body correct the problem itself. If you do too many quick fixes at once youll confuse your body and the problem will only get worse.

Deviating from Protocol
I went through this phase where I was eating banana peppers because they are low-calorie and didnt have any oil, but the thing is they arent on the original protocol for a reason and that reason is sodium. There are also a lot of other things that seem like theyd be fine but they arent. For instance certain fruits like mango and watermelon are too high in sugar for the diet and can slow you down. Even unlisted veggies can cause problems. So simply put, if its not on the approved foods list... dont eat it.

Skipping Calories
Toward the end of Phase 2, I have a hard time getting all of my 500 calories in. I know that sounds crazy because Im not eating very much as it is, but the appetite suppressant in HCG Triumph drops is pretty powerful. So its tempting to skip out on your fruit or veggies, but then your body (even though it doesnt feel hungry) goes into starvation mode and you stop losing weight. Eat all of the food youre suppose to eat.
And for those of you who arent quite HCG vets, you may not have slipped into these bad habits yet, and thats good news. So take notes and make sure you never start. :) 

Are you guilty of any of the above diet blunders? What other bad habits have you found slow down your weight loss?
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Kamis, 07 April 2016

Ive been pondering the direction I want to take with this blog for quite some time. My blog posts have been sporadic over the past couple months and I just dont know what to write all the time.

I went through this not that long ago, I think it was in December, that I decided no more grief blogging. But what do you know, all of my posts after that were about grief. I just wasnt ready yet. But now I am just....lost? I love writing, and I love writing about Barry, but I cant think of what else to write! It does get tiring all the time writing about how I am doing. I am tired of it, personally. I want to take this blog in a new direction somewhat, but I havent quite decided what that will be.

The kids and I are starting a new chapter of our lives next week. On April 2nd, we move into the house that I just bought for us. It will be just short of 6 months ago too, just 8 days short of the six month anniversary. We are craving, well I am craving, new beginnings, a fresh start. I need it. I cant live in this house anymore. Its not painful to live here really, but I am tired of it, and I just need to move on. I will miss it, because it is the last house we ever lived in with Barry, but I dont think I can fully heal if I am living in a house surrounded by constant reminders of our 10 years together. Everything in this house, save for Christmas/birthday gifts, we bought and paid for, so it all reminds me of him. He put everything together, he put the towel racks up, he did it all. And I need new. I crave new. And almost everything in the new house is new, including our brand new never-been-lived-in just built house.

I am sure that I will continue to blog about the grief process, thats almost a given. In fact, I do have a post planned for April 10th. I think that will be the most difficult post I have yet to write, for in that post, I will be giving the nitty gritty details. A story of death. Yes, I am going to tell you all how Barry died and exactly what happened on October 10th, 2009. Its almost a conclusion of sorts for me, to end this grief blogging.

I want to start cooking again, I want to try recipes. I want to do crafts. I want to further my photography skills. I want to LIVE. I want to be able to post this stuff on my blog. I want to become even more, the woman that I know I can be, and that Barry knew I would be. I knew 2010 would be my year, and I intend to make it so.

Keep an eye out for blog posts, Ill still be around. And I will still be doing my A Year Of Memories posts. Thank you all for being such supportive readers, it means so much to me.
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Senin, 28 Maret 2016

I was pondering this morning, and realized I havent done a thank you post since Thanksgiving I think. A LOT has changed in our lives since then, and I just feel that maybe its time for me to say thank you again to all the important friends I have in my life.

I wanted to do individual thank yous to everyone, and even wrote out paragraphs to everyone, but I found it was just too much to write, and too emotional to do so. So I will make a list, and hopefully theyre all reading this...and if not, they know how I feel. A thousand hugs and thank yous could not express my happiness at having you all in my life. I love all of you!!

*Jason and Lindsay
*Sara
*Rebecca
*Christy
*Johanna
*Mimi, Monica, Connie and all the other ladies from Mops that came and helped me clean and unpack
*All of my awesome twitter friends, especially Rachel who ran the London Marathon, and ran a mile in Barrys memory. That made me cry. And Ian too, who is a fellow widowed single parent, and knows what its like.

In other news, yesterday I took the spawn to a summer camp orientation/interview. Its through the Jamie Moyer foundation, and is called Camp Erin. Its geared specifically towards children that have, or are, experienced a significant loss in their life like that of a parent or sibling. Its a bit of a lengthy application process, and we wont find out for a good month, but I am pretty confident that the three olders will get in. It is just for a weekend in June, two nights only, but they will have so much fun.

Yesterday as I was driving them there, I got a little teary eyed. Thinking to myself, why do I have to do this? Bring my kids to a summer camp for Grieving Kids? WTF? how is that even fair to us? It isnt FAIR. Not one bit. I dont see why my kids have to grow up without their daddy, why they have to go to a summer camp because their daddy is dead.

And then I got a little angry at Barry. Because if he hadnt died, I wouldnt be in this situation. I wouldnt have had to take the kids out of school early to drive 45 minutes to Tacoma so they could have this opportunity. Its all his fault. I know he tried his damnedest to stay a live, I know that b/c I saw the look in his eyes, but he STILL DIED! He LEFT us. He put us in this situation, and I am so mad about it. I cant do anything about my life because he died, and no matter how much I want to go back and change what happened, I cant. Its infuriating, heart breaking, maddening. I hate this. And for the rest of our lives, we are going to have to deal with this heartbreak. Sometimes I just want to yell and scream at him for leaving us, and I have done that already. Maybe I need to do it again. Or get some aggression out again, something like that.

Barry knows Im angry, and I think hes OK with that. I know he didnt want to leave us, and if he were in my situation, Id expect him to be angry too. Anger is a perfectly normal part of grief, and I need people to know that sometimes Im going to fucking hate Barrys guts because of what he did to us. Right now Im angry and sad because I dont want us to be in this situation.


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To all my wonderful readers, friends and family.

I cant do it, and I am sorry.  I know I promised you all that I would write the story of how Barry passed, but I cant.  I started to write it October 4th, and managed to get up to the point where it started to go downhill, but I cant write the rest.

I am scared, and the mere thought of writing it makes my heart race.  I am just not ready.  I can recall everything in my head down to the last minute detail, but the actual task of really making myself recall everything wont be happening.  I know its partly because I dont want to break down, I dont want to cry right now, I just dont want to.  I will do it eventually for the kids.  I also got to thinking that maybe I shouldnt spill Barrys secrets on the internet.  He was a very private person, and I just think maybe I should keep this for the family.  Im not trying to use that as a cop out, I promise.  I just really dont want to portray him in any other light than what he deserves...

An amazing husband and father, and not the sickest patient at our hospital.

I will write my final "Dear Barry" letter tomorrow night.  I wanted to do it at 11:11AM, but Im going to be out all day.  Im getting a pedicure with my girlfriend, going out for tea after lunch with another girlfriend, and then taking the kids out to Barrys favorite restaurant for dinner.  Trying to keep as busy as possible.
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Rabu, 23 Maret 2016

I dont have much to say today...Id just rather avoid what today was, and that was the last full day my husband was alive two years ago.  Less than 24 hours after I originally posted this, I was a widow.  more like 18 hours.  I had no idea what was to become my life...


Friday, October 09, 2009

Good News!!!

Today my husband was released from the ICU/CCU into a regular room. I was able to help him move, which was really nice as I got to say goodbye to all the nurses and the RTs. I plan to send them a thank you note, as they really helped me out this week.
We expect him to be released monday or tuesday morning! Isnt that great news? Hes on antibiotics intravenously, but tomorrow they are going to try tablet form. And his O2 levels arent quite good yet, so that is why hes staying a few more days.
He was very alert this morning and finally recognized me and was able to to hold a conversation. I am thankful for that, because as the morning went by, he got really cranky, rude, belligerent etc etc. It was really really hard for me to be pleasant with him because of his attitude. I think he was still very confused because of all the sedatives he had been on for so long. He even told me he didnt want me to come visit again.
Then I decided it was time for me to leave before I got too frustrated with him, and the situation got worse.
Today there was a thing going on at the kids school, so I thought I could go to that before going home, but figured Id just take time to myself. My mom was there with them, so I figured they would be ok without me. I went to McDonalds and had a hamburger and fries and sat and read my book for a while. I then headed across the street to Safeway and did some grocery shopping for the next couple days. It was so refreshing to get some time alone.I was able to get a hold of him later on after he had eaten and taken a little nap, and he was much more pleasant. Im going to go visit himfor a while tonight, and then tomorrow morning. Today has been one of the worst days for me, apart from Tuesday, because I was just hoping that he would be nicer. I was sad that he was so irritable. Ive spent so much time at the hospital, 8+ hours a day when he was on the respirator, and it was so much easier to deal with him. I could wash him up, rub his feet, talk to him, help the nurses etc etc. Now I feel like Im not needed anymore and he doesnt want me there.
Im just happy that were almost done with this. Hopefully he will get back to his old self really soon because I just dont know how much more of this I can handle.
I also want to say how thankful I am for the outpouring of support I have received. Especially from some of my friends, my meetup group and the kids school. They have really blessed us and I dont think I could say thank you enough. I have received some gift cards for meals, and I have meals being delivered next week as well. It is such a relief not to have to worry about meals for the next week. Thank you everyone for helping!
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Selasa, 15 Maret 2016

I fucking hate reading this stuff.  But here you go, for your reading pleasure...the THREE posts that I wrote on October 6th 2009


Tuesday, October 06, 2009

so here I sit

Im home for a short while while my husband is being taken care of.

I got the call this morning from the doctor that he was being transferred to the CCU, Critical Care Unit, because he wasnt getting better. I then called the nurse in the CCU who told me to come as soon as I could. They took blood from his artery and his O2 stats were 50%. Then they put him on the CPAP, which is 100% O2 and his levels only went to 69%.

When I got there, I got a glimpse of him through the glass door of his room and just lost it. He had a whole big plastic mask on his face. I waited till the nurse brought me a mask to wear to go in.

I was able to talk to him for a short time and then all these people started coming in, and I heard the word Anesthesiologist.

As you can probably guess, he is now intubated. He is on a respirator that is helping him breathe. They had me leave for 1.5 hours while they got him taken care of. When I came back, they were still working on him, and I only had time to gather a few of his possessions like his computer etc. Im at home right now because I just couldnt take it anymore. So Im here for lunch, and my sister is talking to me on the phone. I had to call her because the silence here is deafening. Our youngest daughter is at my friends house and I just didnt feel like picking her up. Im going back to the hospital in another hour or so, and then Ill do my best to be home by the time the kids get off the bus.

Thank goodness for friends. A friend from our old city is bringing us dinner tonight. Another friend is watching our daughter while I am at the hospital. And tomorrow my mom comes.

I dont want to admit it, but I am so fucking scared I will lose my best friend. Scared to pieces. How do I keep it together for my kids when I am broken inside?

I have the weight of the world on my shoulders right now. I have to find out a way to fill out his trip packs for work. I have to call his school somehow and figure out what to do for that. I have to figure out what to do about financial issues. Hes going to be in the hospital for up to 10 days. And let me say this...I am so thankful for life insurance. No one wants to think about it, but do you know how relieved I am to know that the kids and I will be taken care of if something happens?

My poor husband has been working on his beard for years, it is his pride and joy. And they shaved it off. he looks like a bald bowling ball.

I love this man so much and it just breaks my heart to see him like this. How do I keep it together when I am so scared and worried? I am trying to make life as normal as possible for the kids,. Today was pajama day at school, and I let them do that. Our daughters birthday is on Thursday, and i am making her cupcakes. Saturday is her party, and my mom will be here so we are still going to have fun. I ordered her cake yesterday, and were going to go have fun at Glow Golf in our mall.

My tummy is rumbling and I need to eat something even though I dont want to. I just have no appetite.

Please keep us in your thoughts, prayers, whatever it is you do. I appreciate any and all of that.

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Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Tuesday PM Update

I went back to the hospital this afternoon after I made myself eat something.
I sat with him for a couple hours, made a few phone calls etc etc. I got some sort of response from him, he squeezed my hands a couple times. But he is completely unconscious, so it could just be reflexes. Either way, it gave me comfort.

The Doctor said he most likely got a staph infection in his lungs, and these infections typically get worse before they get better. He will be on the respirator for a few days as well.

I know he knows I am there, even if he doesnt know that he knows. I just know. I was able to calm him down a few times when his blood pressure went up just by talking to him and soothing him

I sit and talk to him, I joke around and say silly things. I taped up all the pictures and cards the kids made for him on his wall. His nurse Rick is really funny,and he and I were making jokes about him. He had his beard shaved off, so now he looks like a bald bowling ball, lol. He has a big head, which is why I say that, and he also shaves his head. Tonight I am going to visit again for an hour or so after the kids go to bed, and my friend Sara is watching them while they sleep. I am going to cut his toe nails, LOL, he never got around to it for a couple weeks, and I joked to Rick that I should paint his nails. I dont think I will, but I will give him a nice pedicure.

I wonder if he can hear me, and is thinking up all these smart ass remarks to give me once he wakes up again. I tease him and tell funny things about him to the nurses and the doctor, so I might be in for it when he wakes up.

Until later....

Oh, and thank you to everyone for your well wishes and thoughts. I appreciate it so much.

Oh, and I havent gotten a chance to do this, but I want to thank all my friends/acquaintances that have passed on their help, offered dinners for us, their well wishes. I will be sending out quite a few thank you cards I think.

One other thing I forgot...
I had to take his phone and computer home with me, and while looking on his phone this afternoon for some info, something made my heart skip a beat. I dont know why I didnt notice this before. A couple weeks ago I took a photo of the sunrise that turned out really neat. He never said anythign to me about it, but guess what was on the background for his blackberry? Do you know how good that made me feel? It was like an invisible hug and love from my husband. I just was so shocked to see that. I love that man.

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Tuesday, October 06, 2009

And yet, another update

Thanks to my wonderful friend and neighbor Sara, I was able to visit him this evening for a couple hours.

First off, let me say how much those hospital masks SUCK! Seriously, my face is numb from the foam in them. Its so freakin uncomfortable.

Secondly, I did NOT know this, but the CCU is the same as ICU. So for those wondering, he is in the ICU.

Ok, so, I got there shortly after 9PM tonight and they were examining his air way. They havent been able to get in a feeding tube , and will be doing it by Xray tonight. Probably now actually, now that I am gone.

There is no change right now in his condition. I cant really even pretend to understand all that medical mumbo jumbo. All I know is that he is on 70% pure O2 with the Respirator right now. There is blood in his lungs from the bad infection too. He needs to be able to maintain 50% on his own. I guess how they do that is wait till they see some form of improvement and once he gets somewhat better, then they can turn the respirator down and let his lungs do most of the work. But honestly, I couldnt even understand that. I dont know what his levels have to be, what theyre at. Whats best for him right now is to be on the respirator and to let his body get healthy.

Tonight was a good visit though, he was lucid and partially awake when I went in there, meaning he was responsive to me. They actually turned down the sedation a bit. When I got there he was a bit agitated from the nurses poking and prodding him, and once they stepped back, i went up to him and held his hand. He looked me in the eyes, which was great. And yes, he did recognize me. A wife knows, we just know. I was really happy to see that. I asked him a few minutes later if he was able to hear me talking smack about him with Rick today, and he shook his head no. I also got a couple hand squeezes from him, and some eyebrow wiggles or whatever you call them. He couldnt open his eyes, but wiggled his eyebrows at me.

I went in tonight armed with nail clippers and foot lotion for him. I gave him a nice trim, lol, and a good foot massage too. Afterwards I was trying to exercise his legs for a bit, but he did NOT like that at all, and pushed against my hand and wiggled his toes. So I stopped.

The rest of the night, I talked about anything and everything. I also had brought some trivial pursuit cards because we like that game, and asked him the questions and then answered them for him ;o)

Tomorrow it looks like I wont be able to visit for awhile. I have a dental appointment in the morning to get a couple broken fillings fixed, and then Sara will be watching our youngest for me. But since she has somewhere to be, then I will most likely just come straight home and go visit him once my mom gets here. At least with mom coming, I dont have to worry about how long I stay. And then I can also come late at night after the kids are in bed too, like I did tonight.

Ive got so much responsibility right now, I just dont know what to do about all that. Ive got the work thing figured out, I am going to call in the morning and get it taken care of. The school I have to call too, but I did leave a message for his advisors to call me or vice versa. Honestly, the most pressing issue for me is the financial one. I dont know what were going to do financially. I dontknow how to pay bills if there is no money coming in, and that really worries me. He could be in the hospital for a couple weeks, and then he will need a bit of recuperating time at home, so what do we do? I know I can put off the bills for a little while, but what about groceries? gas? And those bills that HAVE to be paid like credit cards and insurance? cant miss those. I hate that money has to be the one issue I worry about, but it is a true worry. Me getting a job is not going to help things, so please dont even suggest that. Id have to pay for day care, and for what...a month? just get a job for a month? I dont even think we could go on TANF/welfare for a month.

On a lighter note, if you want to call it that, I am amazed at the strength I have been able to pull from places I never knew existed. From this morning, I am a completely different person. I took care of things I never thought I could do, and I am proud of myself for that. But I wouldnt have been able to do this without the help and support of my friends and family. Mom, Maegen, Sara, Lisa, Angela, Janelle...anyone who has talked to or seen me today, they have just been an incredible support. And if you know me and can help next week with childcare, please please let me know. Sara has to go back to work on Thursday. starting Monday it will be just myself, and I cant not visit him. I know I have a couple ladies lined up that are willing to watch our youngest, but I just need more options. Even if you came to the house after they went to bed and sat for a couple hours while I visited. Anything. Ill even drive our youngest to your house during the day! I just wish I was able to visit him more often next week. I will only have the mornings though as it is conference week and the kids have early release and get home at 1PM.

I am physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted right now. I need to get a good nights sleep. Thankfully tomorrow is late start day, and the kids dont need to be on the bus till 9:30, so we can sleep in a little bit. I might give myself till 7:30 unless the nurses call me and pass on information.

Please keep us in your thoughts and hope that something improves. Again, I will update as I can.
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Minggu, 13 Maret 2016

Im global, baby!  Its fun to look at the Site Meter for my blog and see where people are reading me from.  This map shows the locations of the last 100 visitors:

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I thought that leading up to the 10th, I would re-post my blogs from two years ago.  So without further ado, here is todays post from two years ago.  The day he was admitted to the hospital.

Please Keep Us In Your Thoughts

It is painful to read these.  I am having such a hard time right now, even more so than I did last year.  Ive been crying at the drop of a hat, been very emotional.  Barrys death feels to me like it was just yesterday, and the pain is fresh.  The 2nd anniversary really is worse than the 1st.  I thought that wasnt true for me, thought I would escape it, but I was wrong.

It feels like it just happened yesterday.  The only difference is that I know how to cope with the grief now.  And I just let it wash over me.  I let those tears spill out of my eyes, let the sobs wrack my shoulders, and deal with the grief headache that ensues.

I miss him so much.
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Kamis, 10 Maret 2016

Once in awhile I find these real gems of Barry. I know its him reaching out to me, letting me know he still loves me and cares about me, and misses and loves all of us. The other day I happened to find his school papers on his laptop, and while I havent read them yet, they are there, and I do plan to get them printed and bound for the kids one day.

Today I found probably one of the best gems to date, so much so that I had to shut my bedroom door and just cry and cry to myself. I was packing up my bedroom, and found in a box that I had, a letter that Barry wrote me November 26th, 2004. I have read this many times, but not for at least two years. I packed it up in this box when we moved from our previous home, and never fully unpacked it. We often packed each other notes when he left for work as Truck Driver, and sometimes I would get lucky and he would send me a letter in the mail. This was one of those times. It struck me how fitting this letter was to our situation right now, especially the last few paragraphs. Little did he know he would pass in just a mere five years, but at least I have this to remind me of our love, and how much he loved me.

Barry was so eloquent in his writing. He was also a very private person, never fully sharing his feelings, but sometimes his feelings would surface, and the real Barry would show. I know how he felt about me, but to find this letter he wrote me, I felt he was reaching out to me again to remind me of how strong our love was, of how much he loved me, and cared about me. And now I am going to share it with you. It is long, be prepared, and have some tissues handy, as I sobbed like a baby when I read it. This letter was quite possibly one of Barrys finest, and really shows his true self.

11/26/04 Arlington, TX
My Dearest Joanna;
As you can see, Im in Arlington, TX. I got into Fort Worth early and, surprisingly, they unloaded me immediately. So now Im sitting in front of McLanes better than eleven hours before my scheduled delivery time. I only slept about four hours last night, but Im not terribly tired. I figured, since you took the time to slip a note amongst my things, it would only be fair that I use some of my free time to write to you.
I really enjoyed the time we spent together at home. Through a character named Paul Edgecombe, Stephen King once wrote, "A man with a good wife is the luckiest of Gods creatures, and one without must be the most miserable, I thing; the only true blessing of their lives that they dont know how poorly-off they are."
If there is a truer statement on marriage, I have never heard it. Sometimes I think that the reason I have such poor luck with the lottery or gambling is that all of my luck goes to having a beautiful and faithful wife and beautiful healthy kids. All in all, I am satisfied. Sometimes I think its the little things that matter most. It might seem to be tedious, but all of the little things you do for me add up to one huge part of our relationship and our understanding of each other. The other day I threw out my garbage and found that I had no other grocery bags to put any more trash in. I ended up stretching out a tiny Taco Bell bag over the arm rest of the passenger seat. Hours later as I was preparing to go to sleep after my 36-hour day, I opened my green duffel bag and found that you had stuffed two handfuls of grocery bags in amongst my things. Despite my hardened nature, I was strangely touched that you had done that. Not that Im going soft or anything, it only proves my theory of my personal dichotomy. As tough as I am and as ruthless as I can be if necessary, my wife and my kids inspire in me a love greater than I ever thought possible. If I were Superman, you would be my Kryptonite. No, maybe thats not right. Youre not just my weakness, youre also my motivation. I do what I do because of you, for you.
I was driving along today and started thinking about all of the good things I have. I dont own a lot, but I have things that are the envy of those who do. How many rat-racing, keep-up-with-the-Joneses people can honestly say that theyre happy with their home-lives? Despite what Tom Leykis says, I have a strong suspicion that he would trade it all for someone like you. Not just a hole and tits, but a friend and similar personality.
When we first met, I wanted this to go well. When we started getting ready to be married, I knew I was only going to do this once. I figured if I were to fail once, Id continue to do so. But I dont believe that I envisioned us as we are now. Years later, I cant even recall what I thought our life together would be. I do know however, that my precognition fell way short of what its really like. We dont just have sex and share a dinner table and then only exist. We have fun. We joke and fart and tease and touch. We kiss and say, "I love you" so much that the average observer probably thinks that were newly-involved or perhaps the cheating espousage of unknowing partners. But were not. Weve been married for nearly five years, which makes us not only vets at this, but pretty much the authority on marriage. Just the idea that after so much time together we are still attracted to each other makes us pariahs in this society.
I still have cause to smile when I think of things you do or say. Like how you draw little faces, happy or sad, in your notes, as though to further emphasize your emotions on a certain topic.
Remember when we went on that marriage retreat to Chiemsee? Remember how, after the first session with the Chaplain, our kissing and holding hands started to become highly contagious? By the second session, every couple in there were doing the same as us. They looked at us and saw how they used to be, and how nice it was to be like that. Unlike many of them, however, were still like that. That might leave us out of the "chic" scene or make us seem abnormal, but Id rather have you then anyone or anything else in the world.
I know that Im not usually one to say these types of things, but it is the way I feel. Im often closed on the subject of emotion, but there are many factors about my life that govern my personality. Some of them you understand, but many will always be a mystery to you. I dont want you to ever feel like youre not appreciated or respected by me. I have more respect and admiration for you than I do for anyone else; even myself. You do the things that enable me to do what I do. For that I will forever be indebted to you, Joanna. I could live forever and never be able to repay you enough.
The Bible says that the wise man builds his house upon a rock, because building on sand will wreck the structure. Youre the rock upon which Ive built. You are what sustains the structure of our household. That may sound like a big responsibility, and it is. It requires you to not only depend, but be depended on. And youve done very well so far. And I have every confidence that my rock will stay steady.
Some country singer wrote a song called "She Thinks She Needs Me." The lyrics to that song are very pertinent to me. You think you need ME? I need you more than you need me, darling. Without you, Im just a guy. With you I am anything I want to be; an unstoppable effigy that is able to do magnificent things.
Thank you, Joanna. Thank you for loving me and helping me. I love you. I love you more than words could ever hope to express.
Tell the kids I love them and miss them. I miss you. I love you.

Love eternal,
Me XOXO "XXXO" <-thats a porno kiss!

I love you too, darling. Forever.
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Senin, 07 Maret 2016

I remember when the grief was still so raw, so fresh, that I was blogging practically every day for the first couple months. And gradually it has become more and more sporadic, especially at times like this when we are settling into our new house and trying to find ourselves here.

Instead of sitting inside at my computer, I find myself outside talking to my neighbors. Or unpacking a box. Or doing my nails, which I have started enjoying again. Or cleaning my kitchen. Or doing a huge shopping trip at Ikea, which I did today and got everything I needed, except for the two bar stools which I forgot, and a lamp.

I just havent made the time for blogging lately. Id say sorry, but you know what, Im not really. Sometimes I just dont want to write, and I just want to live, and be happy and do normal things and not have to grieve all the time.

Speaking of grieving and being happy, the word is spreading like wildfire throughout the neighborhood that I am a widow. Thats ok, because I started it. I didnt want people to think I was this divorced mom of four. So Ive told whomever Ive met so far.

Yesterday evening before grief support, I was over at Brendas getting our home owners association paperwork, and we got to talking about Barry a bit. She started laughing really awkwardly and asked me why I was so happy. WHAT?!?!?!? Yes, she asked me why I seemed so happy, and THEN proceeded to ask me if he was abusive because I seemed so happy he was gone. What the fuck!

Obviously people dont know what to say when they feel awkward about something, because not that long ago, someone else asked me how my husband was killed? Again, WHAT THE FUCK? He wasnt killed, he DIED IN MY ARMS IN THE HOSPITAL. He died, he wasnt killed. Its called a THESAURUS people, learn how to use one.

Anyway, back to Brenda. I was a bit put off, obviously, as anyone would be, but I swallowed my irritability, and explained to her why I am the way I am. Because I have no choice. Really, I am what other people would deem "happy" because I have four children that need me and rely on me. I explained to her that I grieve every single day, but my time comes in the evening after the kids go to bed, thats when I cry most of the time. I explained that he was the best, most wonderful husband I ever could have asked for, that he provided well, that he was the best daddy every, and that we loved him and missed him so much. And then I also explained that when he was alive, he was a truck driver, which is why I know how to go about day to day life without him. Because really, this is all we have known for 8 years. Yep, he started trucking in April 2002, when I was just a few months pregnant with our now 7.5 year old.

After hearing my explanation, I think she understood a bit better, but Im sure its still hard for the majority of people to grasp how I am able to keep a smile on my face. Barry would tell me "Buck up Joanna, stop whining and get on with your life and take care of the kids!", and thats just what I have done. Only a few choice people really see the real Joanna, the one who is grieving every single day, and those are a few of my close friends and my immediate family. Only they have seen me break down, and throw temper tantrums and cry and scream and sit in the cold in my van by myself on Christmas day night. Perhaps Barrys job was a blessing in disguise, because it prepared me for this.
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Jumat, 04 Maret 2016

Today Ive been ok...completely different from yesterday when I was balling my eyes out first thing in the morning.  My mom is here for Es 9th birthday this weekend, and thankfully the party business has helped keep my mind off Barry.

I try to avoid thoughts of him...or should I say, I try to avoid thoughts of this weekend.  There are too many painful memories, and if I dont block it out, I find myself thinking about it constantly.  What was I doing this time, how was Barry, etc etc etc.  Its a vicious cycle.

I know I said I would write "the story of how you died"...but Ive barely started.  I cant do it yet, Im avoiding it.  I will have to write it the night of the 9th I think after the kids go to bed because its just too painful for me to visit right now.  I need to get through tomorrow.  I have to.


Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Another Update

Ive been at the hospital a million times in the last few days it seems.
I wasnt able to go today till after lunch, as I had a dental appointment this morning and the kids school had late start.
So hes doing ok, a little better than yesterday. His O2 levels were 100% yesterday in the morning, and theyve slowly been lowering them to 60%. He is still on the respirator, has a feeding tube, and all that other stuff.
Today he was really agitated and kept trying to write something. he was making the motion with his right hand that he wanted a pen. I kept telling him no, and he kept getting upset. He was also trying to talk to me, and lift his head. So the had to sedate him more because he was getting too upset. I told him to blink twice if he loved me, and he did. <3 He looked at me too, and recognized me, so that gave me great comfort. I was able to calm him down a few times, but at one point his heart rate went up to 200.
Right now i dont know whats going to happen. Were all hoping for the best, and he is on the road to improvement it seems, but he is still very very sick.
I dont have anything much to post, but perhaps tonight I will have more information.
My mom is here, so I can stay long tonight if I want. Im going back tomorrow for the morning. And then tomorrow night. Over, and over and over again. Its a routine now, and i feel very friendly with the nurses, lol.
Im sorry if I dont seem distraught, upset, whatever. Im just plugging away at it and trying to keep my head up for him and the kids. Sometimes I just need a break from the hospital. Im sure he understands, I cant stay there all the time. Im still scared, and I miss him desperately. I really really miss him. I just wish I could feel him hug me and kiss me. 
m sorry if I dont seem distraught, upset, whatever. Im just plugging away at it and trying to keep my head up for him and the kids. Sometimes I just need a break from the hospital. Im sure he understands, I cant stay there all the time. Im still scared, and I miss him desperately. I really really miss him. I just wish I could feel him hug me and kiss me. Honestly, Im kind of running on auto pilot now. My appetite is almost non-existant, Ive had just yogurt and a banana today with a glass of milk. Im just not hungry. Ive lost weight already, I weighed myself last night and I was down a few pounds in just a couple days. I have managed to eat dinner, last night a friend brought us some delicious spaghetti. its just nice not having to cook. Someone else is bringing us dinner again tonight. If anyone I know is reading this, then dinner would be most welcome next week. I know you all told me to ask, so here I am asking! Please call and ask. Or if someone can watch our youngest during the day, I would love it.
This morning I found some photo paper that I had, and printed off some photos for him to tape up on his wall. I thought he would like to have some of us that he could look at once he is feeling somewhat better.
Until later...

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

This Gets Old Fast

No news yet. Nothing has really changed except they have lowered his O2 levels to 50%, which is good. But his blood gas still isnt high enough. Maybe theyll try get him off the respirator tomorrow, but they dont know.
people keep asking me if hes going to get better and I just dont know. I dont have any answers and Im tired of getting asked that question. I understand everyone wants to know, and this is just a normal response, but I just dont have the answers. please dont be offended if youre one of those who asks me, its just that as a whole, I really hate it. If anyone wants answers, its me.
He was responsive again, and was able to communicate with me a bit by hand squeezes, blinks and head nods.
Im tired of this hospital routine and its only been 4 days, almost 5. Its physically, emotionally and mentally exhausting. I know he wants me and needs me there, but I can only handle a couple visits a day. I usually go in the morning and late at night. Its ok to do this, right? He knows I love him, and Id do anything...I just need a break from it all.
Im so testy lately with other people, I cant tolerate idiots  so today at the grocery store I saw some woman park her car maybe two feet in the parking spot, and the rest on the "aisle", so I wrote her a note and stuck it on her windshield telling her to learn how to park. I just cant stand stupid people right now, and Im tired of being asked questions all the time.
Right now Im just trying to get through the weekend. I will have to deal with a whole new routine on Monday because its half days all week, and mom wont be here. I have to rely on friends again to help out with childcare. Im scared I wont be able to find someone to help me with the kids, even though some people said they would. I know I cant go to the hospital from 1PM till the kids are in bed, so I need someone from 9AM till 12/1PM, and then 8/9 PM till 11PM.
I miss my husband so much. I hate seeing him like this. I need him to get better. I just need a hug from him
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Jumat, 26 Februari 2016

Skinny news everyone!


Its official. I have lost over 70 pounds using HCG! I started this journey the second week in June and less  than 6 months later I have come farther than I ever thought imaginable!

I have learned a lot from this experience. I almost feel like a veteran for team HCG Diet, kind of like I need to help the new comers out a bit so they have the success Ive had.

Here are my 4 pieces of veteran advice.

1. Track your progress. It is important to track how much you are losing. Each day I come into work and one of the first things I do is write down my progress on a sticky note. Ive done this since round 2. I even have all the sticky notes to prove it.



I love starting my morning knowing that I can update my collection of progress notes. This is a very tangible way to show how quickly the pounds add up.

2. Follow the success of others, but dont compare.Since starting this blog I have had many opportunities to connect and interact with other HCG dieters. During my second round I would get frustrated when I saw people who were on the same round and day as me losing more weight. This frustration would ultimately build until I ate more than I was supposed to. While it is great to connect with other people and share success and experiences, dont let someone elses success negatively impact your diet. Your body is not their body. Sometimes you will lose weight faster, sometimes you will lose weight more slowly. This is not a competition.

3. Take each day one pound at a time. Some days I dont lose any weight. Days like that are difficult. Then I look at before pictures and see all of the progress Ive made and realize that I just have to take things one pound at a time. As long as I am following the program, my efforts will add up to a fantastic reward. On the days you dont lose, take a deep breath and commit yourself to a day of hard work and determination. Dont throw away all your good days because of one bad day.

4. Do it for you. 
I have tried losing weight before, but it was never really about me until now. I used to try to lose weight for my mom, for guys, to fit in at school, but ultimately never because I thought I deserved it. I realize now that trying to lose weight for the sake of pleasing other people never worked. I inevitably crashed and burned. When I finally decided that I deserved to be happy and healthy, losing weight became a lot easier. I am not torturing myself, I am giving myself a gift. This mindset has helped me be successful.

Now that youve read my veteran advice, what advice would you give to someone trying to lose weight?








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Selasa, 23 Februari 2016

I just came across this article (Thanks, Adam Kosloff) about the sad state of affairs going on with prescription drugs and the irresponsibility of the drug companies that manufacture them and the doctors that prescribe them.  Here is an excerpt:

“It is simply no longer possible to believe much of the clinical research that is published, or to rely on the judgment of trusted physicians or authoritative medical guidelines. I take no pleasure in this conclusion, which I reached slowly and reluctantly over my two decades as an editor of The New England Journal of Medicine.”

Dr. Angell cites the case of Dr. Joseph L. Biederman, professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and chief of pediatric psychopharmacology at Harvard’s Massachusetts General Hospital. She explains:

“Thanks largely to him, children as young as two years old are now being diagnosed with bipolar disorder and treated with a cocktail of powerful drugs, many of which were not approved by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for that purpose, and none of which were approved for children below ten years of age.” 

Read the full article here.


It makes me want to just go live on an island.  Sigh.  Or better yet, I will devote some time to getting the truth out to all of those who cannot go live on an island.
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Last week I was on Pinterest, indulging myself in a pinning frenzy, and I came across one of the best blog posts I have ever read. Seriously, its one I will never forget. The post was titled, "Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls...So I Will," from the Militant Baker. Jes wrote about falling in love with my body, she wrote about confidence. As I read the words, I couldnt help but desperately relate to everything she was saying. I needed to read all of those things. Yet for some reason when I got to the end I was craving more. I loved that Jes focused so much on accepting our bodies how they are. But right now in my life I am in the middle of a major transformation. Ive started losing weight, not because Im ashamed of being fat, but because my health was at risk.

 So while I want to learn to accept my body the way it is, I also want to treat it better than I have in the past. And maybe Jes and I dont see eye to eye on this idea, but I believe that with accepting ourselves comes the desire for self improvement. Im not talking about changing the way you look to fit in with what the world says a woman should look like. Im talking about changing the way way you feel. Im talking about improving quality of life, Im talking about being healthy no matter what you weigh or what section of the store you buy jeans in. So I decided to write a note about health to all the curvy women out there. Not to add to or correct anything Jes said, but to address a similar issue from a different perspective. And in the off chance that she sees this, I want to thank Jes for her blog, I deeply appreciate her perspective, and she is an inspiring woman. 

So to get started....

You Can be Healthy and Curvy
In junior high I was on dance company and in the best shape of my life, but somehow I was still a little chunky. My mom was puzzled about my weight. She didnt understand how I could be dancing 5-10 hours a week, eating well balanced meals at home, but still be overweight. She wasnt the only one who was confused, every time I went in for a check up with the doctor they tested my thyroid, my blood pressure, my cholesterol, blood glucose levels, and everything came back normal. While all my blood tests were fine, I was still classified as obese on the Body Mass Index. Through years and years of having the BMI chart pounded into my head I developed an extreme insecurity about my body. That stupid chart says I should be 125 pounds! I dont even think I weighed that in 6th grade! It seemed so frustrating and impossible to get to that point at the time that I eventually gave up on eating healthy and exercising. Thats how I ended up 285 pounds with high cholesterol. I gave up on being healthy because it was too overwhelming living up to a chart. 
At that time, heres what I didnt understand: the Body Mass Index does not figure in bone density, muscle mass or genetics. It only considers height and weight. It doesnt account for curves. It doesnt recognize that I inherited my aunts large boobs or my moms big hips and thighs. When I was in junior high and completely healthy by every standard but the Body Mass Index. I shouldnt have freaked out about that damn chart. I shouldnt have let it dictate how I felt about my body. But most importantly, I shouldnt have let it make me feel so overwhelmed that I turned to unhealthy habits. 
So when I finally recommitted myself to getting healthy, by the time I got down to 210 from 285 my cholesterol was normal, my blood pressure was fine, my blood glucose levels were of no concern, and I was still a long way off from being considered a healthy weight by the BMI. Thats when I realized that it is possible to be curvy and healthy. I have a hard time believing I will ever get down to 125 pounds. And Im O.K. with that as long as Im doing everything I can to ensure that my body is healthy and functioning properly. Im not at my goal weight, but losing weight now has turned into less of a focus on the number on the scale and more about getting my body to the point that I can do any physical activity I want with more comfort and confidence. 

You Dont Need a Thigh Gap to be Happy
When I first started working with social media in the health industry, I would spend hours searching through pins, posts and tweets to see what people were talking about. Thats when I came across"Thinspo."  Thinspo or Thinspiration is a culmination of meal plans, quotes, images and workouts to help girls get unrealistically thin. I spent time looking at profile after profile of women obsessed with Thinspo, fixated on the appearance of their bodies. I noticed a common trend in all the profiles: most of these women yearned for coveted thigh gap (you know the thigh gap, right? Where if you stand with your feet together, the top of your thighs dont touch). But that wasnt the only trend, most of them also had eating disorders or engaged in self mutilation.I looked at pictures of fast plans, self-hate notes, bottles of laxatives, shallow cuts, small puncture wounds, girls with ribs sticking out, and girls with yellowed teeth. I looked until I was in tears. I wondered how these girls got to that point, so lost and so deep in the haze of self hatred that they forget to care for their physical well being. 

Heres the thing, when we start obsessing about the way we look, we neglect the way we feel. We focus all of our energy on unrealistic physical goals and it makes us feel inadequate. Those emotions go unchecked and they build until we reach a breaking point. Weve all experienced self loathing or insecurity about our bodies on some level, but never let those insecurities dictate something as important as your health.These women are hurting and they have a hard time loving their bodies. They work and work to get that thigh gap and when they do its never good enough. What they dont realize is that skinny thighs dont bring happiness. You can be stick thin and still hate your body. You can be stick thin and completely unhealthy on a physical and emotional level. So heres my point: obsessing over your body will not bring you happiness, in fact it can do the exact opposite. I have thick thighs, it would take drastic measures to get a thigh gap, and Im not willing to do that to myself. My thighs will be as big or small as they are when Im eating healthy and exercising, theres nothing wrong with having a little meat on the bone, ladies, so long as youre focusing on improving your quality of life.

Youll Never Look Like a Model, and Thats Good
The fashion industry isnt necessarily kind to curvy girls. Most of the models used in magazines are a size 2-4.     Even models used in plus-size advertisements are on the smaller side of being plus size, some are even a size 8-10. Not only are these women pretty small to begin with, but they go through airbrushing and touch-ups in Photoshop to slim down legs, brighten skin, remove blemishes, and smooth out rolls. What you see in the magazines is not real life. I know youve heard it before. But seriously, its not real. I dont want to burst your bubble, but even if you buy what the ad is selling youre not going to look like the model selling it. And honestly, 99% of the time, the model in the photo doesnt even look like that in real life. When you look at someone in a magazine and aspire to have her flat stomach or pencil-thin legs, youre not looking at something real. Youre not looking at something realistic to aspire to. Youre looking at a distorted picture. Its fake, and you deserve better than fake. You are beautiful even if you dont look like you stepped out of a magazine. And I know at times thats easy to forget, you know, that theres more to life than looking like society wants you to, but its so important to make an effort to remind yourself of your personal worth. I find that the more I fall in love with my body, the more I want to spoil myself with eating healthy food and getting off the couch and doing something active.

Not All Skinny Girls are Bitches
You see a girl, shes gorgeous and thin, guys are flocking around her and while you dont know her, you secretly hate her. Shes a skinny bitch. Ever done this? Im not proud of it, but I have had this judgmental attitude before. Sometimes I just think, "She has no idea what its like to shop in the plus size section, she doesnt know what its like being me." True. She doesnt, but that doesnt mean that she doesnt have her own struggles. Maybe shes struggled with some of the same self-image issues you have but on a different level. Or maybe she spends hours in the gym sculpting that body that you assume comes so effortlessly. Just because someone hasnt had the exact same health struggles youve have had, doesnt mean they cant relate to the feelings associated with self improvement. Who knows, maybe that girl has done exactly what youre trying to do. Maybe she has some advice that could really help you out. Maybe shes looking for a workout buddy. When did it become OK to not like someone based on the fact that they are smaller than you? Honestly, its juvenile. As someone who is curvy, I am always hopeful that people give me the benefit of the doubt regardless of how I look. So its very hypocritical of me to not give someone the benefit of the doubt because their size makes me feel self conscious. Its hard to take care of your body when youre constantly comparing yourself and hating on others bodies. And the bottom line: Negativity isnt healthy. 

Curvy can be sexy, skinny can be sexy. Each is sexy in its own unique way and appreciated differently by different people, but whats even sexier than both of those physical characteristics is health. Healthy is sexy. The ability to enjoy life in whatever way you choose without being held captive by self-hate or insecurities is sexy. Health brings freedom. Life is much more enjoyable when you feel good inside and out. Ive learned that being healthy comes in all different shapes and sizes. Health is not a measure of how you look, its a measure of how you feel. 








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Back when I first started Atkins in March 2009, I did Induction for three weeks and then moved to Ongoing Weight Loss (OWL) for an additional four and a half weeks.  During that time, I:

Lost a total of 11-1/4", which included:
3/4" around my neck
3/4" around my bust
1-1/4" around my midriff
1-3/8" around my waist
2-7/8" around my navel
1-1/4" around my hips
1-1/4" around each of my thighs
1/4" around each of my calves

Lost 0.022 off my waist-to-height ratio
Lost 0.010 off my waist-to-hip ratio

Lost 2.2 points off my body fat percentage
Gained 2.2 points onto my lean body mass percentage

Lost 4.1 pounds of body fat
Gained 2.1 pounds of lean body mass
Lost 2 pounds on the scale

Looking back on those numbers now, they look pretty darn good.  But all I saw was that I had only lost 2 pounds on the scale in seven and a half weeks, which is a total of only about a quarter of a pound per week.

I talked to Colette Heimowitz, the Atkins Nutritionist, told her that I had only lost 2 pounds, and she suggested that I reduce my food intake.  Together, we came up with this plan:

1400 calories
106g fat (68.4%)
91g protein
19g total carbs
8g fiber
11g net carbs

Over the next 15 weeks, I slowly started adding in more fat, protein and carbs, and was steadily losing scale weight and body fat.  At the end of that time, my food basically looked like this:

1637 calories
122g fat (67%)
101g protein
30g total carbs
15g fiber
15g net carbs

During that 15 weeks, I:

Lost a total of 11-1/2", which included:
1/4" around my bicep
1/2" around my bust
1-1/4" around my midriff
1-1/8" around my waist
2-5/8" around my navel
2-1/2" around my hips
1-1/4" around each of my thighs
1/4" around each of my calves


Lost 0.018 off my waist-to-height ratio
Gained 0.019 off my waist-to-hip ratio


Lost 4.4 points off my body fat percentage

Gained 4.4 points onto my lean body mass percentage


Lost 9.6 pounds of body fat
Gained 0.4 pounds of lean body mass
Lost 9.2 pounds on the scale

This was better progress, but then everything fell apart, and I started gaining again.  If you read this blog with any frequency, you know that I have been gaining and losing and gaining ever since, usually with no rhyme or reason.

I have been reading a lot lately about how staying very low carb for a long time can have a detrimental effect on thyroid function.  Obviously, this is not true for everyone, but it might be true for me - my thyroid function has been decreasing and my metabolism seems to just be shut down.  I gain weight very quickly, and it is really hard to get it back off again.

I have decided to try to increase my carbs up to a moderate level, rather than the low level that I have been at for the past couple of years, to see if it will help my thyroid function and metabolism.

I am going back to a modified version of the plan Colette gave me over two years ago, as far as the total calories go, but I am going to increase total carbs by 2 per day and decrease fat enough to keep me at 1400 calories per day.  I am also lowering the protein to the lowest level that is recommended by Atkins for my height - 71g of protein daily.  I started on this plan on August 9, 2011.  Below is the starting point and the ending point, which will fall on September 8, 2011:

August 9, 2011
1401 calories
106.3g fat (68.3%)
71g protein
40g total carbs

September 8, 2011
1401 calories
79.6g fat (51.2%)
71g protein
100g total carbs

I have completed 5 days of this new plan, and my food today will look like this:

1401 calories
101.9g fat (65.4%)
71g protein
50g total carbs

One of the other considerations of this new plan is how it will affect not only my body fat, but my blood glucose.  I have started testing my blood glucose on a regular basis, and so far, it has not gone out of normal ranges eating this way.

When you only eat low-carb vegetables, it is a challenge to get those carb numbers up.  So I have started having a serving of fruit per day and also full fat Greek Yogurt.  As the carb numbers climb, I will start adding starchier vegetables, like squashes, and even an occasional tuber, probably yams.  I ate a peach the other day, and it was like heaven!

Here are my beginning stats:

August 9, 2011
Total inches - 286.375", which includes:
12.25" neck
11.5" bicep
36.5" bust
31.5" midriff
32.25" waist
36.625" navel
40.25" hips
22.875" thigh
14.125" calf

0.512 waist-to-height ratio
0.801 waist-to-hip ratio

53.4 pounds body fat (36.2%)
94.2 pounds lean body mass (63.8%)
147.6 pounds on the scale

Because I love charts, I have decided to track my progress on this new plan with charts.  And here are those charts since I started this five days ago:

I tracked my food five days this past week on Fitday.  Here is the breakdown of what I ate:






I take my full measurements every Sunday.  In the past 5 days:

I lost a total of 1", which includes:
I lost 1/8" around my neck
I lost 0" around my bicep
I lost 0" around my bust
I lost 1/8" around my midriff
I lost 3/8" around my waist
I lost 1/8" around my navel
I lost 0" around my hips
I lost 1/8" around my thigh
I lost 0" around my calf


Lost 0.006 points off my waist-to-height ratio
Lost 0.009 points off my waist-to-hip ratio


 Lost 0.3 points off my body fat percentage
Gained 0.3 points onto my lean body mass percentage


Lost 1.3 lbs. of body fat
Lost 1.1 lbs. of lean mass
Lost 2.4 lbs. on the scale



Days Completed - 5
Days To Go - 28
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Kamis, 04 Februari 2016

Today was our daughters 9th Birthday.  My mom was here again, like she was two years ago, and we threw an amazing party for her.  And I am so exhausted!  My feet hurt from barely sitting down all day.  Im seriously pooped.

Two years ago today, Barry was extubated.  I remember that day, he was a surly grouch.  Called me some choice names, and himself the Master of The Universe!


Thursday, October 08, 2009

Some News

sorry if this is just one liners and not complete paragraphs. Today has just been so exhausting for me.
Called the ICU this morning to make sure it was ok to visit, so I did and went at about 9:30. Stayed till 1:30. They kept checking his blood gas and O2 levels to see any improvement and there was some.
The nurse told me he wasnt ready to come off the vent, but then the RT (Respitory Therapist) said that the Dr had ordered a "test", so technically he had been off the vent from 8AM and was doing all the breathing on his own. That was great! Also, on the vent his O2 levels had been brought down to 40%, which is what they wanted him to beable to maintain.
So, Dr comes around again and tells us at noon or so they can try to extubate him. They did, everything went ok and hes been off the vent since noon today, so almost 12 hours.
He is taking a really, really, really long time to come around. He was very confused today. And very feisty. And EXTREMELY surly. I finally had to leave at 1:30 because his attitude was just too much for me. To give you an example, when I asked him what my name was, he called me Bitch. lol. It doesnt bother me, I thought it quite comical. When they took out his Art line (artery line), Colleen, his nurse, was holding his wrist really really tightly to get him to clot because it was in an artery. So he told her to stop squeezing him so hard or hed break her arm. Oh, and the language we heard was quite colorful, to say the least. See the surliness? thats quite normal apparently.
One funny thing was that when I asked him what his name was, he said in a drunken voice, "Master Of The Universe". HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Im still laughing at that one.
So I went home and came back about 6 hours later, and just got home again. I spent about 7-8 hours at the hospital today. I would have stayed longer today, but he was still just exhausted and not really making much sense, so I figured Id just go home.
The RT was there tonight (there is a new one every day it seems) and as I was leaving, she told me she was going to put a Bpap or Cpap, one of those two on him, to help him sleep. He might have some sleep apnea, and they just want him to get a good sleep. Hes seriously been sleeping for almost 12 hours straight not being on any sedation. But he sleeps like that all the time anyway, and will sleep for a day if you let him.
Dont give me any crap for saying this, but the sound of him snoring was so annoying. It was much quieter with him on the vent. And it doesnt help that his attitude wasnt very good either, so even though I do know he cant help it, I was still slightly annoyed.
Tomorrow should be better, and hell be more alert. Looks like hell still be in the ICU/CCU for another day or even more. There are no empty beds upstairs and they will just keep him where hes at.
Oh, and his O2 levels are ok, but not superb yet, so he still has a lot of recovery time ahead of him. At least he is breathing room air though.
So thats my update! Now to go to bed and get some sleep myself. IN the morning mom and I are heading to JoAnn to get my sewing machine, and then Ill head back to the hospital to hopefully find a more awake and cheerful husband.
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