Kamis, 04 Februari 2016

It hits you at the oddest times.

Ive found that in the last few months, even when I think Im doing ok, that Im really not. Its not even being sad about Barry, but perhaps something else is really eating at me, and I dont know it.

Those are the times when I just want to curl into a ball and cry, and yell and scream about how unfair life is.

And then though I may not realize it, Barrys death is still affecting me, and affects my moods. Like last night I was having an OK day up until last night, and then something really started to bother me a lot. I just tried to push it away as best as I could, but by the time I finally crashed and went to bed, I was emotionally exhausted and landed up crying myself to sleep.

I was talking to him when I went to bed last night, and I was ANGRY. So Angry at him for leaving. I was asking him WHY did he have to leave, and if he was back my life would be so much easier. I would give up everything to have him back.

This Evanescence song reminds me so much of Barry. I feel him here with me, but at times I wish he would just leave me alone so I could move on. I want him here, but his presence lingers on and on and on. I cant turn a corner in this house without a reminder of him. And its HARD, so HARD that I cant do anything in this house without seeing him or having a reminder of him.

"My Immortal"

Im so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it wont leave me alone

These wounds wont seem to heal
This pain is just too real
Theres just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried Id wipe away all of your tears
When youd scream Id fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now Im bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds wont seem to heal
This pain is just too real
Theres just too much that time cannot erase


Ive tried so hard to tell myself that youre gone
But though youre still with me
Ive been alone all along


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